Letters from Bill

Another Monday

2005-07-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a busy day. I should finish Colleen's place this morning...........a very few windows and final details. I've already packed the suitcase and will gather various tools and apparatus as the day progresses and install it in the trunk of the car. When all of those operations are done I will go to Bridget's and finish or nearly finish that big bedroom I started Saturday. By then, Colleen should be home so I can come collect whatever she owes me and pick up the trailer (already loaded) for the next job. Delivery to John Stiegelmier's house, a quck unload, coffee with friends, then install myself at Bridget's house for the next several days.

I enjoyed my day off though little was accomplished. I visited a couple of friends and ate fast food. I installed two door locks and a porch light that I can't make work. I wrote seven or eight pages in the journal and drank lots of mountain dew. I washed clothes and did some packing. It wasn't much but it was a day off. My neck, shoulder, and elbows appreciated it.

Since I have heard but little from my little wife in close to a week I can only assume she's found a big boyfriend of negro persuasion, and I'll have to go shopping again. I should've taught that Red Bone to bite before I left Smithville....... I hope this one don't shoot any better than the last one.......

The move to Lake Dallas will save me some gas money if nothing else. I've been stationed 13 miles from the very edge of town and having to drive to Lake Dallas from there every day. Colleen's daughter tried to tell me a short cut but she was smoking something exotic at the time and I didn't trust the charts. I might've wound up in Santa Fe and had to work for Mexicans. In my youth I would've helped her with the herbal treatment and sallied forth even with less than half a tank of gas. With age comes wisdom, and arthritis.......

Kerns and I have worked out the final details for me to spray his house when I get there next weekend. It's a buddy deal. I don't have time to do more than the spraying part but it will save him several day's work and I can do the whole thing in a very few hours. That sprayer paid for itself the first year........

I've asked some of you Duncanites to send me phone numbers and addresses. I will probably be flying through like a comet but I would like to see as many of you as possible. Around supper time probably.......

Terrie is supposed to meet me at a hotel in Duncan Friday. I guess I'll have to check her for hickies and she can check me for ticks.........should be fun..... They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but this old dog invented a number of the tricks to begin with.......

The sun rises again. Don't that beat all........ I guess I'd
best git on with it......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 6/27/2005

My Very Last Worry

2005-07-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

...woke up about an hour early this morning, which I will pay for later with fatigue. In the meantime I can drink extra coffee and meditate......

I expect to leave town for Oklahoma about this time next week. I don't have an itinerary yet except Terrie has reservations at a hotel I've never stayed in, there's a wedding the 2nd (she'd better bring me some fancy clothes, I didn't pack any), and I aim to spray Kern's house while I'm in the locality.

I hope to finish up all the work I have by then but I doubt it all gets done. If a little bit is left over I can finish in a day or two and return to the land of hound dogs fairly early in July.

All the work I've done looks really good but working four hours at one place and three at the next makes for long drawn out projects. None of my customers care but i'm ready to move on....

I wake up with mild to moderate headaches every day now. They seem to pass fairly quickly with coffee and cigarettes, but it's a hell of a way to get started.

I'm alone pretty much all morning and early afternoon. Bridget gets around about three and regales me with stories and entertainment, even if I'm trying to work. It actually doesn't slow me down. It doesn't take much concentration to paint when you've painted as much as I have....

I spend every early evening at the coffee place and usually dive into some fast food before the return to my lodging. Sometimes I visit old friends or wander around Home Depot looking for shit to do the next day's work with. It's too hot to sit in the car or on a park bench with a book. I haven't done as much writing as I'd hoped to accomplish.

The tired old body is holding up, though it complains some. This morning it's the neck and right elbow. The heels are still sore from rubbing holes in them with cheap loafers but I've taken to working mostly barefoot so they're healing nicely. I tripped over my suitcase in the dark a few days ago and have a skinned knee. I poked a nail into my leg yesterday and it hurts if I bump it.

I guess my chief complaint is the new has worn off this deal and routine has taken over more than I like. I've learned about all I can learn from the current job and am ready for a new challenge. I went to look over the next project yesterday. Miles and miles of trim and overhang. Damn. I was hoping for something I wouldn't have to spend so much time looking up. My neck will either get used to it or give out and I'll have to quit. It's an old teaching friend from Ryan High School so we'll find a way to work it out. He wants to help. That fills me with trepidation. I don't mind help if he knows how to do anything but you never know. I refuse to worry about it too much. It's his damn house and if he screws up part of it he'll have to live with it or pay me to repair the damage. I'm charging him more than I've been charging those who feed and put me up; but I don't care if the job gets done quickly and I can move on to something else.

I've adapted fairly well to the heat, though I haven't pushed it. As long as I can find shade I believe I could work until fairly late in the day. My ambitions are modest, however, so when I start getting uncomfortable or out of breath I piss on the fire and call in the dogs. Just because I can do something doesn't necessarily mean I will.......

I haven't even figured out how much money I have coming. I go day by day..........how much I made that day, how much I spent. By that measure I've made a little bit every day; but gasoline is eating me up. This house is 13 miles to the edge of town. Lake Dallas is a good ten miles. The coffee place is another several. If I think of it I might keep track of today's mileage and see what it comes to. I'll bet it's close to sixty miles a day; and I only got 12 mpg hauling the trailer here to start with.

I guess any way you look at it even a small profit each day is better than sitting on my ass or spending money; and I have much enjoyed visiting with old friends.

There is virtually no excitement to report. It's more of a zen-painting expedition than a gypsey one......paint on.....paint on.....caulk........don't fall off the f**king ladder........(my personal koan).

There is one piece of the cherry pie left in the refrigerator and I think I'll consume it with my coffee. Getting fat is my very last worry.......

I've found a liberal program on the talk radio..........I mean REALLY liberal. It's a nice switch. It seems like almost every program is conservative. It's all horse-shit, of course, on both sides.......but it's amusing to compare notes. I guess I laugh about those programs as much as anything else... I'll go on record: I think it's OK for homosexuals to get married. They should be allowed to be as miserable as people who aren't perverted. I don't think Bush should be tried for war crimes, though he should probably have his ass whipped. I don't think we ought to torture
people in any prisons before they are convicted of something........then, if there any Comanche Indians left we ought to let them have them. They were very creative torturers (see Wilbarger's, "Indian Depredations in Texas")....

Everyone has been very nice to me. I haven't heard one harsh word since my arrival Sunday before last. I guess it's a good thing. I doubt I'd take a harsh word kindly and don't have to. I figure if I get to missing harsh words I'll be meeting Terrie next Friday and I know how to generate some.... If I go the rest of the week without any harsh words or bad manners it's all right with me...

I think I'll gather my shit, go sit on the front porch, and wait on the sun. There's something nice about being there to witness the sun's arrival each day, and it worries the neighbors......I like that a lot....

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated June 24, 2005

Note from the Editor

2005-07-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

I've done a piss poor job of keeping Bill's letters posted here. For that I can only apologize.

I'll do better. The posts are resumed effective today--Happy Independence Day everyone.

Randy

Even Poor Shots

2005-04-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

That neighbor of yours, the one that came across with $3000..............would he be interested in moving to Smithville........Have I got a deal for him...........

Congratulations anyway on finally finding a fine son of a bitch. I try to treat everyone right but it pisses me off regularly that I among the few and proud........

I had a hell of a time this morning. I decided to go canoeing. I have little experience in such endeavors and am prone to mistakes. Also; I was recovering from too much alcohol the night before and was of a somewhat weaving nature. What happened was, I fell out of the damned canoe.

For the unlettered among you; it don't take no talent at all to fall out of a canoe. It takes one hell of a lot of talent to crawl back into one. I fell out of the damned thing twicest.....ruined a perfectly good pack of cigarettes too...........

Due to Daylight Savings Time, I have more time to raise hell before the sun goes down. I'm very relaxed. The Dixie Chicks sing next door and a warm breeze blows from the open window in my son's window who is soon to leave the damned place and I'll have more room.

The little turd cleaned only a few windows yesterday. I guess he made a start. I ain't going to pay him nothing though, until he finishes them all. He...he...he....

I went down the hill and blowed all the shit off of everyone else's porch this morning. I done it before I even got into the canoe. My own porch still sucks, but I figure I can go blow it off even drunk and if I fall down and hurt myself I can crawl into the house and dial 9-11. Being as how this is Smithville, they might send a dern veterinarian, but they have good drugs too so I'll go along with it.

PHILOSOPHY: All the news of late has been of the woman who was starved to death owing to her being fifteen years in a vegetative state. The Pope died right after that. He'd said that he wanted every action to be taken to keep his carcass alive and I admired that.

Sometimes bad things have to happen for people to wake up and good things happen. Let me tell you something, and it may be a shock. I have come close to taking my own life three times. In every case it was only the lord that kept it from happening. I've given it up as a practice, being as how the Lord is against it. I've come to understand that life is precious.

At the same time; I remember when a young doctor came and gave Daddy a blood transfusion when he was dying peacefully. All Daddy got out of the deal was a few more days of tubes and misery. It was all I could do to not whip the shit out of the young doctor that day, and if I met him tomorrow, I just might.........

I guess what I'm saying here, is if anyone is interested, is that I would not want to live if I could not at least commuinicate and carry on. In my case I doubt it'll ever come to that. Even poor shots get lucky now and then.......

Meanwhile, the sun shines and I haven't blowed the porch off yet. I spied several limbs of oak that might make good firewood for the Chinese oven or the Grassy Knoll. Both my knees and back are functional today. I'm just old enough to appreciate that.... though I long for the days when I could count on a stiff dick and a limber back........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

I Got Gun-Powder Too

2005-04-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

Another day in paradise. The sun shines across vast green areas. I went down to the old folks place early this morning and the old man was up with a friendly coffee cup. We stood on the porch and watched the sun come up over the lake. It was like a big orange ball as the mist rose over the lake. I can't actually see the lake from my house because the woods and vines are so thick. But I like thick woods and vines, so it's a wash.........

Things aren't quite pristine yet but I did accomplish all the mowing and weed-eating yesterday. I garage saled only enough to acquire some pottery, a framed picture I'll use for collage, and a timer. Timers are useful in my line of work. More later about that.......

Son Randall is trying to sleep through my using the computer in his room. I'm sure I'm an annoyance. It's just one of the gentle ways I have of telling him it's time to get the hell out. I love that boy, and he ain't much trouble..........doesn't even eat much.......but I'm ready to be officially done with raising kids. If I don't push a little bit, he might be here when he's 30, and I'll be too old to do anything but shoot him in a leg when he pisses me off. It's better to annoy him with a key-board while we're still both able to come to fisticuffs...........

There are some people about a mile from here who like to set off cannons and shit. I was sitting on the grassy knoll last night with a fine fire burning a huge cedar log when I saw that much of what they were firing was fireworks. I'd assumed all this time from the sound that it was actual ammunition. I alarmed everyone when I grabbed my .44 magnum and released two rounds. I don't know what the deal was. It's just my country way of saying,"I got gun-powder too.".....

I guess I'll spend the rest of the day cleaning house and decorating. There are three boxes in the vault that have ART written on them. I was pretty drunk much of the time I was packing so God alone knows what's in those boxes. I've missed a number of things though, and suspect they might be in those boxes. Terrie has had a good year and a half to decorate the place, and failed. I guess it's all up to me. I like it best when people come to my house and leave saying, "Son of a bitch! Did you see what was on
that wall?".....

Otherwise; I aim to get my industrial sized leaf blower out and blow all the shit from my porch, the shop, and the old folks place. I feel like an official force of nature when I do that, and it makes things look nice. Also, no one comes along looking for any shit............

I had a friend long ago and far away that told me one time he went out into the woods just so he could "marvel that no one was fucking with him". In the line of work I am in, I take that philosophy right
serious.....

I have to hide the charcoal lest the hound dog strew it about the yard; but I have ample quantities of it to make a fine supper. One of them people who sell meat by the truck-load came by a week or so ago so I am loaded with beef and chicken. I ain't decided what I'll cook yet but I reckon I can get a gathering by the smell alone. I never was particularly good looking, but I got more tender moments with hungry gals than anyone you ever saw. I found out early on if a man can cook a good pork chop, he can get laid.........

It's just too pretty to sit in the house. I'm off to have fun. I think I might paddle a canoe out to a duck blind and ponder the state of the universe.

Suffer, city people..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Modems, Garage Sales, and Shamu

2005-04-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

2nd try. Ever once in awhile I get a sudden "Modem Disconnected" message and whatever I've written goes to hell. I guess people in hell need entertainment too.......

Anyway; it's a fine Saturday morning. A cold front brought hard rain and fine lightning which I much enjoyed sitting in front of a fire in the Chinese Oven on the porch. The wildflowers are practically exploding out of the ground. It'll get into the 70's this afternoon and I can entertain myself with mowing, weed-eating, and blowing of shit off the porch. It should be pristine by nightfall and the hound will have his work cut out for him to mess it up again.

I have a second name for old Elmer. It's almost a ritual every morning. I make my lunch and the 3 dogs and 1 cat line up for a "bite-bite". They know I'm a pushover. Anyway; the two old dogs are gentlemen, who sit up and gently take their snack. The cat is a tease, and takes his time examining what I have to offer before he deigns to take it. I call Elmer "Shamu" at this time. He leaps from the floor all mouth and teeth to get his treat. One has to be alert if one wishes to keep all his fingers. I never ever feed him from my picking hand...... I'm not wishful
of learning to play dobro..........

It was a rough week. One day I had three students come in who for one reason or another had not taken their medication. There was much euphoria followed by intense anger followed by tears and dark depression.......and that was just me. The kids were much worse.

With only 30 something days to go I am no longer trying to fix the little turds. I'm just trying to get through the rest of the year without bloodshed. It ain't easy. I had one accuse (falsely) another of theft yesterday and it was hell. I believe the Bible mentions "weeping, wailing,and gnashing of teeth." That pretty much describes it. I managed to calm the situation and actually turned it into a pretty good lesson for the whole class, but by the time I got home, I was frazzled.
Teachers NEED summer vacation.........

My teacher evaluation came in and I am now qualified to add Saint to the front of my name.........but I think Saint His Sagacity Baba Havabanana is a bit ostentatious so I'll stick with what I have. Besides, I'd have to change all my stationery........

It's Smithville's Jubilee this weekend. I have no idea what that's about, but everyone is supposed to get drunk and have garage sales. Since Sister Darlene has given me a license to kill at garage sales (decorating her new indoor golf course) I guess I can go to town and have some fun. It's just my luck that I'd have a sister who'd set up a kiddie place instead of a casino or titty bar.........

Anyway; I'll do what I can and enjoy the weather.

Randall is out of work so I've hired him to clean the windows this weekend. We have a surplus of spiders out here, and in a short time all the windows look frosted. It makes for a pleasant ambiance inside the house but you can't see shit. I only cleaned the patio door and the window to the computer room in Denton. I had big trees to look at in the back yard and the gal across the road ran around half naked a good part of the time. No one runs around naked out here much (Praise God) but I live in a very pretty place, and enjoy looking at it and the critters that live in it. In fact, it's one of my favorite things to do.....

I think I might retire to half time in about four years. I shouldn't have any trouble doing it and it would give me a 10% raise. I'm looking for a fantastic death defying scheme to make money the rest of the day. I might pay this house off pretty quick and I believe we can live comfortably on the 60% of my current wages if the house is paid for. Whatever I do on the side will be gravy. It's fortunate that Terrie and I have both always been poor.

The things we like to do are cheap and tawdry. I think that's what attracted us to each other.........

I could probably sit here and tell lies for another hour, but that wouldn't get any garage saling done and I know Darlene is counting on me to find oddities for her business. Also, I might get a "Modem Disconnect" at any time. So I guess this is it for Saturday morning.........

I hope you all are having as much fun as I am.......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Eggs, Septic Tanks, and Hound Dogs

2005-03-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

I am old and out of shape. Digging up a septic tank on Easter Sunday is harder than going to church. I done 'er though. I think I have discovered the trouble. As I recall from high school physics class, shit goes down-hill (we just covered the basics at Empire High School class of '71).......there is a definate up-turn in the line just before it goes into the septic tank. I figure turds cluster there like rubber-necks at a good highway disaster, and start drinking beer. After awhile, they create enough obstruction to hinder the proper orientation of the toilet facilities, and people trying to take a shower wade in shit. That's my understanding anyway....

I don't know what I'll do about it. I might sit a lawn chair out there by the hole I dug and meditate on it some in hopes of an inspirational moment. Zen and the art of septic tank maintenance....

The little woman has risen and gone forth to color Easter eggs with the grand-children. She promised to call when the egg-hunting begins. It's a pagan holiday. Ishtar, a well-known fertility deity was popular when the Catholics came along and tried to show them the way by taking over their holidays. Thus rabbits and eggs...........the fertility thing.......get it?.....

I have the bedding in the wash. It's about damned time. When one sleeps with a hound dog and a girl from Comanche, one should wash more often than I do. I think an old pagan fell out when I pulled the sheets out of there. Our bed resembles a bedouin's tent, many layers of quilts and blankets. Sleeping around here involves more of a crawling in than a lying down........

Skip is handy. He's already sent me the web-site to get Kinky Friedman bumper stickers etc. I don't know what else he's good for but he's been right smart in coming across with shit like that.

I had to get a copy of my transcripts for the school district and the one from Chickasha came in yesterday. I was appalled. I did not remember being such a poor student. I will not share this with my children, lest they laugh and use it as an excuse for mediocrity. You have to understand.......there were only a few straight guys on campus, but a plethora of straight girls. And I wasn't picky........ Between that and cheap beer I hardly had a chance to make good grades....

That Goddam Skip gave me several C's.............

Hell. He was probably being kind.....

I aim to fire up the giant weed-eater in a matter of minutes. The boy mowed pretty good but I like to trim things up oncest ever week or so and todays the day. It's the German in me I guess....

We discussed hiding the Easter eggs on our place, but we'd of had to lock Elmer up or he'd eat the eggs faster than we could hide them. I swear. Ever time I look at him he's another five pounds bigger, and he still ain't growed into his feet.........

Bro in Law Larry and Son #1 are on their way back to Tulsa, a nine hour drive. They didn't look happy to be leaving. The job is a bitch and they don't like being away from home. They make a lot more money than I do but I wouldn't trade 'em. There are about 40 days of school left and I know when every one of them will occur. My paycheck will be right regular and ample to pay my bills. It would be unseemly to fire the teacher of the year, so I'm good for at least one more. Life is good....

My newest car is 15 years old but none of them use oil and keep on a hookin' so I see no need in replacing them. I haven't had a car payment in many years. My insurance is cheap. I mistakenly scraped the inspection sticker off Terrie's car because the new registration (tag) thing looked just like it, but I figure she can go a long time without anyone noticing the damned difference. She rarely gets drunk, and knows the back roads. I feel sorry for the poor son of a bitch who tries to arrest her. The last time that happened they were lined up in the emergency ward getting sewed up. No shit.....

I'm happy to report my knee, which blew out Friday, is fine. I guess God didn't intend for me to walk around too much Friday. It's OK today apparently. I've been up and down the hill a couple of times. No pain. It's colder than I'd wish for.......probably sixty but windy........but being from Oklahoma I have a lot more warm clothing than is generally called for. It'll be steamy in another month. I can take today and enjoy it for the last gasp of a mild winter.....

Son #2 is missing. He don't hang around much. Blonds and convertibles no doubt.... At his age I was already married and two years into college. As I recall, I didn't spend a lot of time messing around with old folks either. He is at least polite, and don't eat much....

Leon Russell croons through the house. Since Terrie is down the hill coloring eggs, I can play the stereo in magnificient volume and tone. It makes the dogs nervous, but screw 'em..........

The weed-eater calls.........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Less Than A .44

2005-03-27T08:19:00.000-08:00

It turned colder last night. A few mild storms blew through but too latefor me to appreciate them. The Chinese Oven sits expectantly, loaded with aromatic cedar. It'll probably have to wait until later in the week....

I rose up early and got the Austin newspaper, which is a liberal pinko ragbut also has a tv guide. About all I watch during the week is anoccassional program on the history channel, but I like to know what I'm notwatching. I could upgrade my satellite thingie but I really had rather continue my practice of reading books. Part of it is self-preservation. I have too many books. I've taken up the practice of loading up books almostas soon as I've read them and depositing them in the teacher's lounge. Itgets them off the floor and saves me money in bookcases.........of which Ineed at least two more.

I was thinking this morning about how I used to read two newspapers a day, had several magazine subscriptions, and subscribed to some news sites on the internet. I was as well informed as anybody you ever saw. But no one seemed to want my damned opinion. These days I make a regular foray into town for the Sunday paper for the reasons given above and call it a day. There still ain't anyone dying for my opinion but I'm saving a lot of money on subscriptions....

I do try to keep up with the gubernitorial race. I still support Kinky Friedman. I need to hook up with a web-site so I can get bumper stickers and signs to post next to the mail-box. If you don't know who Kinky Friedman is, I'm certain even the unlettered among you can find his web-site and become educated. I like his campaign slogan, "How Hard Can IT Be?".....(to be the governor of Texas)....

I was somewhat depressed yesterday when I sent the lightening thing. Also lazy. I did not get down the hill with a shovel and accomplish shit. Being as how it's a septic tank I'm going to be digging into that is a more true statement than most. Anyhow; I figure to rise up from this desk in a matter of minutes and go dig. I might wander down to the lake first, seeking inspiration and advice from my Bro in Law Larry..........who is half-crazed but knows more about septic tanks than I do. I doubt if he'll have much good advice but you never know, and Elmer might amuse me by treeing another coon along the way. I really like Sundays.........

It was gloomy earlier this morning but the sun just came out. BRIGHT GREEEN down here, and the sun makes an impression on the retina. This is the cleanest air I've ever breathed.

There are hazards however. I was looking for something in the shop yesterday and when I opened a drawer I found where a snake had shed it's skin. This was at the back of the shop. I might go looking for a book or tool and get struck down by a reptile at any time. The only answer is to try and stay alert....

I've had numerous queries about the status of my teacher of the year thing. I have no information. My only guess is my eight page thesis has astounded the judges into a state of comatoseness and vast quantities of Valium and anti-depressants have been administered to give relief. As I've said before, I vowed to give one half of whatever valuable prizes I received to my teachers aide, and I have done that. I have gotten nothing, and I've given him half of that. I've done my part....

It's somewhat windy today. The oak trees bend with it and oak semen sticks to my old Cadillac in odd patterns and positions. The trees are mostly green, though not fully leafed out yet. I need to cut a trail down to the majestic oak today just so I'll know where to cut when I rent the brush-hog. I guess I'll put on the shoulder holster Larry made me for the .44 magnum when I go. Wild hogs have been seen all around here and the dogs regularly go nuts so I know they're close. I've seen where they've rooted around right close to the house in the past. A wild hog is almost as
dangerous as Terrie, and I wouldn't go against one with less than the .44................

I reckon I'll spend some time in Oklahoma this summer. Everyone up there needs a paint job, and I'm of a mood to travel. I doubt if I'll make much money, but I expect to be fed well and might find time to visit the Red Dog Saloon. I think I'll pack my tent in case I get on too many people's nerves. Hotels are expensive....

I've put this off about as long as I can. There is a septic tank to dig out
and damn it all, I have a shovel............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Trying To Attract Lightening

2005-03-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to a cd my old friend Skip sent me real loud, which annoys the wife but no one else being as how I have no close neighbors but critturs, and they don't like any music of any kind so screw 'em. My wife might give me some shit, but I only play music real loud on weekends, and if she gets tired enough of it, she might take another job. A man who'd rent a pig won't be stopped...

The music old Skip sent me is country and western. He's a dern Yankee (up-state New York). Probably my folks was shootin' at his folks 150 years ago. I've read those men used to write letters and throw them acrost the trenches along with a piece of bacon or such. Time don't change nothing...

There is something funny about memory. I can tell you clearly what I did yesterday. I can expound upon what I did this morning. I have no clear recollection of what I did two weeks ago. I remember the summer of '69 riding out on country roads with Donna Booth...........she had huge breasts with nipples the size of silver dollars, and was so proud of them she'd shed a blouse with little or no provocation. She smelled like Dove soap. I've been a fan of Dove ever sense.....

In any case; it seems to me a person ought to be able to put things in some kind of perspective but I can't. I walk through this world with schedules and timetables and Donna Booth's tittys all going at me at once. Maybe I'm addled.

I've wondered at times if I might be insane. I spent almost two years working at the crazy house in Norman (working) and my conclusion is,...........Yes.......I am crazy. but I have sense enough to keep my hands on the keys.........

I'd like to think I was unusual, but I ain't. The only things that might make me unusual is the fact that I'm so egoitistical as to think other people might want to read what I write, and the fact that I've out-lived almost all of my old friends.

If you'd asked me a couple of years ago if I was a sociable person, I'd of told you no. The truth is; I am a sociable person. I've had more friends than almost anyone can claim. The only thing is, they have mostly died. I don't know what that means. I didn't do it. I tried to prevent it in many cases. They died anyway. I sit on the porch and think about this one or that. I remember conversations and laugh or cry. I feel like a dinosaur at times. It makes me careful who I get close to now. I don't know how much more pain I can take. Every friend that dies takes a little bit out of me. I sometimes dream that I could go ahead of the rest of them and save the pain. I guess I don't grieve good.

I wonder about it a lot. Did I choose friends who'd self-destruct early? Did God choose me to live beyond them for some damned reason? is it that only the good die young?....

I don't know.

There is a promise of storms this evening. The Chinese oven is loaded with aromatic cedar. I will sit on the porch and if a bolt of lightening strikes me down it will only be about time. It's not that I'm tired of living, it's juist that when everyone else has been run off the board, the list is shorter.

The kids and grand-kids are coming up for supper this evening. It will be a fine thing. I never expected to have such occurrances to occur. The only way to explain it is I have been blessed...

I need to get down the hill and dig out a sewer line for old man Watson. I don't think it really needs doing but he does and I love him so I will do it to settle his mind. The exercise will be good for me. I have not become fat, but I have become soft.

If a storm comes up it's all to the good. I'd as soon go down with a lightening bolt on a shovel as not........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 3/26/2005

Another Milestone

2005-03-26T07:08:00.000-08:00

A milestone has been reached. I got up early this morning.....dinked around reading, watching the news, etc. About six ayem I decided to go see if Old Man Watson was up for coffee. Elmer, the Red-bone Hound came along. As it turned out, the old man had his door shut, which means he is not available for company....so I sat in the shop for a bit listening to Conway Twitty on the radio. Of a sudden, the hound dog went mad. He rose up bristling with fury and hooked out of the shop and into the woods. Being as how it was light enough for me to follow without falling off a cliff and breaking a leg, I followed him. I'll be damned.........he'd tree'd a coon...

I wouldn't shoot a coon that wasn't trying to gnaw on my leg, but it did my old heart good to know that Elmer is now officially a "coon-dog"....

Went to Oklahoma over spring break and it was mostly a disaster. I did enjoy seeing all the sisters and step-mothers, and old aiunts, and neices and nephews; but the weather was awful in my opinion. When I left it was spring. When I got there, it was still winter. In fact; it was worse winter than I'd had the whole season. And my allergies decided to make themselves attendant. I drank heavily and tried to make the best of it, but failed.

I think I offended many by comparing Oklahoma to the relative paradise I live in. Everything is bright green down here, and Oklahoma was dead-ass dry. I know Oklahoma is pretty at times, but it was a shock to go from the Garden of Eden to Limbo in a few short hours drive. Remarkable, really....

Anyway; I lived through it, and everyone else did too. No arrests, beatings, or divorces so far....

I was walking along yesterday and my left knee popped. It did it another three times and I was crippled. I limped my ass home at the end of the day and bemoaned not being able to wander the hills and valleys over the weekend. I woke up this morning, and though the knee is tender, it works in a fairly efficient manner. God is good.

I have a new aide coming in. I have doubts about him. He is getting his doctorate in history, and wishes to find a teaching position in a college in Central Texas. Shit. I believe this fellow might be smoking marijuana. If I had a doctorate in history, I'd have my resume out over the whole country and just hope a job would come up in a reasonably nice place to live. I figure he'll wind up teaching in the public schools for some time to come. I might as well teach him how....

It's supposed to rain and storm today. I hope so. I have the Chinese oven all loaded....... That's been a trial. Elmer likes to take all my kindling and spread it around the property. I gather the firewood, he spreads it back out, I gather it again............I don't know who's smarter..........

The blue-bonnets, Indian paint-brush, and many other wild-flowers I can't name are in bloom. This is the prettiest place I've ever lived in. I walk out here amongst the hills and valleys and feel close to God. It's all I've ever wanted.

I have a pretty wild bunch at school, but I am up to it. I won't go into boring detail but I have a few new ones that would challenge McArthur. I've become wise, and very rarely put my hands upon one; but when I do, I know how. Mostly I manage by demeanor. Even a crazy person thinks a little bit before they run head-long into a concrete pillar...........

I think I'll go back down the hill and see if Old George is up yet. He always has a friendly coffee pot and a load of bull-shit. Maybe Elmer will tree another coon..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Hey, Joe...

2005-03-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

Hey,Joe....

So sorry I can not give you the formula for fooling the bastards. It's sort of like kung-fu.........you have to study and practice for years. I was more fortunate than most being as how I had suspicious kin-folks and nosy neighbors. I learned in early years to put a happy smile on my face, always have an excuse for doing what I was doing, and always have an alibi....

I can teach you, but you are older than what I am used to instructing as a student.

Hell..........just bring beer........I'll tell you everything I know........

I have started the five page thing to become teacher of the universe. When I looked into it I realized if I win much, I will have to attend meetings and give speeches. I would be willing to go almost anywhere and pick a mandolin and sing a song or two, but I'll be damned if I'll give speeches unless they are willing to pay exorbitant wages for me to do so.

I figure it's risky. So as I fill out this five page thing I decide to just have fun.

I am a well-disciplined individual. As all well-disciplined individuals know, you always start with the hardest project, and go from there. I didn't do that. I figure the hardest project is to answer the question , "What would you impart to your fellow teachers as teacher of the year?"

The short answer, is .............bring beer, I'll tell you everything I know........but I doubt that would win any prizes.......

So I broke my pattern and took on, "What is your philosophy of education?" I don't know how much revision might be required, but Terrie laughed her ass off and had to admit it was all true...........

Tomorrow I take on, "Personal History". I want all you bastards to keep your mouths shut. There may be valuable prizes involved, and I need them. After all these years of avoiding any actual formal charges and legal complaints, I don't need some smart-ass coming in at this crucial time relating about the night I dressed as a negro and showered with a nymph.

Besides, I was drunk.....and young.

Let us only consider the last 20 years...........ummmm..........let's take the last six months............ummmmmmmmm. I tell you what, let's just all of you shut
the fuck up!!!!

A fairly mild day. No fights, no blood on the floor, few fatalities. In fact there were none. I did have one new student who bucked some, but it all turned out all right. He feels good about himself, I have no bruises, and he knows I'm the man........ I like that a lot.........

I had a sore throat all day but it did not hinder me in giving instructions and hollering out on the playing field. I do not play with them, but I do holler.........

"A man should know his limitations." Dirty Harry

The hound is hounding me. He's gotten big enough to move furniture with his ungainly movements. It would be aggravating if he wasn't such a beautiful animal, and dumb.......

Much thanks to Cousin Jallisa for the cd of the old Underground Country album her daddy and the rest of us put together lo these many years ago. I appreciate it very much. I'd hoped to one day put the damned thing on a cd but am so technology slow I figured to die before it got done. I loved your old man, you know.........

The hound has crawled under RJ's bed and God alone knows what he'll discover under there. He's chewing something in a particular voracious fashion and might come up through a mattress without warning. I cautiously keep a stick of firewood handy.

Terrie taught me.......

It's time to piss on the fire, and call in the dogs........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 2/22/2005

Reply to Betty

2005-03-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

I know you would like to see what I wrote before revision, but the fact is, it don't make no difference. I tell the truth mostly, but the parts that are out and out lies I tell eveyone, even the people who pick teacher of the year. So you will have to settle for the same lies I tell everyone else. A great sage, such as myself, is entitled to tell lies if they'll come to some good end. Only great sages, of course, are able to tell which lies to tell; but I am more than adept.......

One of mine choked a kid clear down to the floor today and had to be removed by big vice-principals. It's a shame..........he was doing so well.......

That's my life. I learned long ago to not get my expectations too high. When you've signed on to ride in the rodeo you can't expect good behavior from the mounts you ride.......

I am more successful than most, but I am not entirely successfull. It's a trial. I approach this teacher of the year thing the same way.

My 2nd installment was "Trends in Education" and what I thought of them. I guess they'll be surprised. I told them to flunk and weed out all the ones who don't want an education, won't work for one, and don't have parents who'll support one. I guess that'll get their attention.

I also said to provide more adult education so after they've had their asses kicked a few years in the real world they might appreciate an opportunity. I Believe that alone would increase the test scores and overall educational value of a diploma by
30%..............it's bound to get me flunked by the board but I really don't give a shit about it. I just like to rant and rave and the poor bastards have given me an opportunity to do it.......

You know; you just have to take pity on the poor bastards around here.............they gave me an opportunity to say what I think......and I am prone to storing opinions......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 2/23/2005

Yankees and Oklahomans

2005-03-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

I just wonder if I have time to do it all.

It's a fine 67 degrees outside and I have rye grass about knee hign in places. I aim to cut it down to a manageable two inches if I can get around. Things don't nearly so dead and brown down here as what I'm used to, but I especially enjoy some bright green even in the depths of winter. But I was out of gasoline, and had to make a special trip just to fill up the gas-cans. If I have to go all the way to town, I might as well get beer............so a good part of the afternoon has gone and I'm still knee deep in grass. Life is hell, down here in Texas..........

I wrote another section for the TotY thing. I was wrong. There's seven pages to do, and I've only done four. By the time I get to the last one I'll probably be so pissed off I'll just tell them to kiss my ass. I never knew being teacher of the year was so damned much work...........

I'd like to ride around on the lake in a canoe awhile today. If I can getthe mowing done I might make it. No wind. Bright sun. I figure to take a pistol to shoot varmints this time. I might miss a snake on the 1st shot, but I'm almost bound to get him on number two. If an alligator comes up, I'll leave his ass alone..........

Before I can even mow, I have to rake all the shit Elmer has drug up from the trash pit back down to the pit itself. I might whack him with the rake if he's stupid enough to get into range (he is)....

It's just too pretty to sit in front of a computer. I'll let the Yankees
and Oklahomans enjoy the indoors today..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 2/27/2005

Another Job Well Done

2005-03-25T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yeppers, I done did the seven pages of horse-shit and it's on it's way to Hell or Austin. Writing thesis on being teacher of the year is a bitch. I was overly excited at first with the possibilities. Every subject incited visions involving great dark lies and exotic fantasies. I could've run with that for days. But the bastards limited me to one double spaced page for each subject. That requires some talent, to cram in dark lies in so short a space. I'm used to dragging it out (as you all know). Also; there was the grammar thing. I used to write fine papers when earning a master's degree but I am much out of practice. They frown on pornography, sexual innuendoes, and political correctness as well. I was damned near daunted out before I started.

I'm proud to report I rose to the occassion. I decided to hell with glory, I'm going for entertainment...........we'll see what it gets me. As I recall in Denton my penchant for entertainment nearly got me fired several years in a row. I figure I can count on one more year's employment. It would look really bad to fire the teacher of the year in the same year they won....

To tell the truth, my numbers are so large and more coming that all I hope for is to survive until the end of May. It's like living in a small kennel with many hounds. You can scratch them behind the ears and say nice things in a calm voice, but if you step on a tail, they'll gang up and eat you alive. It's not good for the nerves. I've asked for a hand-gun, but the district is conservative on the issue. Hell. They won't even let me have a rubber hose........

I'm told there have never been so many applicants for my class. We are turning them away unless they are truly depraved. I have no idea what they did with these until I came along. It's really hard to find someone stupid enough to actually want to work with this bunch. Most of them will disappear into high school if I can make it to May........

The weather has been phenomenal. We get about two days of hot sweaty, then two days of cold and bluster, a few days of extreme wetness, a dose of mosquitoes, and start over again. It would be entertaining but it's hard for the joints and sinus of old people to ever adapt to anything. I felt wonderful up until about February, and haven't felt well more than two days in a row since. I started taking vitamins again last night. I'm sure that'll fix it.......

Had two meetings today hoping to remove two from my class who are not really emotionally disturbed, they just need a good teacher. Both sets of parents showed up prepared to go to court. I was able to persuade them that I could work with them part time with them in regular classes and all would probably be well. I'm not sure about that, but I need some relief, and the kids have to get on with it without my holy presence at some point anyway.......the head of the special education co-op down
here only thanked me profusedly for not contradicting her any more than I did. It was hard, but her heart's in the right place....

It's very green around my place. Rye, you know. I'm anxious to plant some plum bushes. I have the spot picked out, and a ready water source. Finances are about 600% better than this time last year, but we're still digging out of a hole. I have to spread my expenditures out. I still don't have a door on my shop, nor do I own a chain-saw. Life is hard, out here in the west....

All the old cars are still running right smart. I drive the newest one. A '90 Cadillac. I threw a set of plugs in it last weekend and it'll still climb a tree. It sort of looks like shit, but I only get ostentatious with a mandolin, so it don't matter........

I guess Andrea gave up before the battle even began. I haven't had a note desiring a battle of the strings in some time now. I wouldn't really battle her...........I'd try to harmonize....

.........maybe it was the thing about her buying all the beer........

I'm going to say it one more time. All you people out there who send me attachments. If it's something that will open up all by itself in a reasonable amount of time I look at it. I do not open anything else. I'm on a system that is slow. I do not have time to open shit and look at it. I don't care if it's good. I don't do it. Stop wasting my time and yours.

I am happy to report I haven't had a picture of a door-bell in a deer's ass show up in some time. No doubt I'll get 40 of them in the next few days, but that's what I get for trying to make a point....

I got a feeble little note from the administration department about a week ago. It seems I've taught all this time and they didn't actually have any transcripts from any colleges I might have attended in all this time. They said ordinarily they require those things by the third month of employment or drop the contract; but in my case, since it was their fault, I can have a little time to have it delivered to them. Shit............why did I go to college?............I could've been scamming
these people for years and saved a lot of money!!!!

I worked good today. I handled big problems. I think I might've sent one son of a bitch to prison. I soothed tender feelings. I did not get arrested. I've not yet been asked for a divorce. I did not get beaten across the head and face. I am still employed and draw reasonable wages.

I ate a good supper down at the in-laws. Terrie and the hound love me. Both of them snore, but I figure it must be a kharmic burden of some kind so take it well (with a big noisy fan you don't hear them much)....

I guess it's just another day in paradise.........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 3/3/2005

Another Day in Paradise: Pt xxx1

2005-03-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

I got up early this morning for no damned reason. Since I was up, I decided to go for a canoe ride. I keep paddles in the trunk of the car. That way,I can conoe at will, or whack someone with a paddle....

Anyway; I wound up in the middle of the lake in a young rain-storm. It didn't hinder me much, but the pair of mice that had been hiding in the canoe took a good swim while I sat in a nice sturdy duck blind giving grace to God. He's given me enough, I guess I can return the favor....

The only sounds from the middle of the lake is birds, the occassional train, and a low roar from the highway a couple of miles away. And dogs.

Elmer is the most vociferous one down here. I'd estimate him at near 50 lbs by now and still growing. As near as i can tell, his brain has not increased in size in any appreciable manner. He got into it with the wolf the other day. The wolf bit a hole into the top of his head. Being as how he's still alive and all I can only think she was giving him a warning.

The hound don't complain. I do not believe they have any nerve endings to tell them when they are into deep shit and ought to get out. He reminds me of kin-folk and I'm glad I named him Elmer..

I'm much enjoying my boys. They are both old enough to consider them adults, and I can't be sued for what they do. That's worth a lot.

Me and Son #1 were down at the old folks place earlier today discussing the times we'd been throwed in jail or otherwise mistreated. It was a fine time. None of us ever gave anybody up to get a shorter time in the slammer. Son #1 blesses me to this day because I was faithful in delivering cigarettes. It was a small thing at the time, but he remembers it with a fondness and deep love. He probably made a lot of money on them cigarettes, and didn't share. I guess boys will be boys......

Randall has been easier to raise, but had rather fight than eat ice-cream. I wouldn't put either boy in a class with Uncle Frank when it comes to fighting, but I reckon they'd 'of made good companions. I never was particularly good at fighting myself. I lost almost ever fight I ever fought. The only thing was, as Cousin Jim used to warn people: "You don't want to fight Duck. 1st of all; he will come back over and over and over until he finally whips your ass. 2nd of all; if you whip Duck, I'm going to have to kick your ass myself".

It kept me safe for a number of years in dangerous places and dark alleys........

The relative that was arrested on the dam a week or so ago got turned loose on account of the fact it was private property and the policeman shouldn't have emptied his gun at an un-armed man. Also; there are a whole lot more of us than them, and they know it.....and we can all shoot...........and they know that too.......

The worst son of a bitch in the world. You name them. I'd have to feel sorry for them if they came down here looking for shit. Send us Ossama. If they air-dropped everyone around this lake on Iraq, it would be a big mess, but in two or three weeks all that would be left is good Christians and quiet Muslims. I like it down here a lot. I haven't had to knife anyone since I moved down here, but I always carry one and everyone knows it. It makes for good manners......

Conway Twitty on the stereo. The kid across the street stole the five cd thing I got Terrie for Christmas some years ago. This is just a 2 cd set; but it has all his hits. I might get my back scratched for it. Terrie's always had good fingernails, and I'm partial to back-scratchings...........

Everything is green down here. We've almost had too much rain, but it hasn't hurt the flora. I aim to plant me a couple of plum trees in the next week or two. I'm partial to green plums, and you can't buy them....

I found a place way out in the country that sells good cheeseburgers and bar-b-q. They have live music on weekends and walk-ins ever Wednesday. I can't manage it until school is out but I aim to git out there for some pickin' and grinnin'. I'm liable to break out in some George Jones or John Prine without warning. If I don't like the way things are going, I'll get myself a chopped hog sandwitch and cut out. I didn't get this old by being stupid............

Yes; it looks to be a rough place.........but hell; I was raised in Duncan, Oklahoma.........and they don't make places rougher than those.....

I was telling Son #1 about one of them places this morning. What happened was Cousin Jim and Cleta were in the midst of one of their family quarrels. They didn't have ordinary quarrels. I remember one winter night I was sitting on the couch in their house, as high as a coon. All of a sudden a concrete block came crashing through the window, missing me by less than a foot. When I recovered myself I said, "What the fuck was that?" Jim just shrugged and said, "Cleta".

...anyway; the story I wanted to tell was that they were on the outs onetime and Cleta had taken a job as barmaid in a rough bar. Jim came in to try and talk to her. He stuttered, so it was a process for him to say much at a time. He'd get a few words out and Cleta would go to cussing and progress was slow. Not getting anywhere, Jim gave it one last go and some poor stupid big son of a bitch came up and said, "I think you ought to leave the lady alone".

This bar was all concrete and brick. The door was steel, bolted into concrete. Jim only hit the guy once (and he was half again as big as Jim). He hit that door and pulled it off it's hinges. The guy was laid out on the door as we left. Jim was saying to Cleta as he left, "I'll talk to you later", and Cleta was hollering..."Now look what you done!!! I'll have to stay here until they can put in another dern door"....

I guess I miss those two as much as anyone..........concrete blocks and all..........

You folks up Oklahoma City way.............Look out. We's a coming. Yeppers. Terrie too. I have one more week of work and here comes spring break. This time Terrie is off too. Randall wants to bring his blond. I told him Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary are the only ones of such low moral character to allow them to sleep in the same house together. I'm encouraging the deal. After Randall sees all them kids and the hell they are raising it might make him want to acquire an education or something.....

The rest of us will put up wherever............

Kerns. Duncan is on the list. I aim to see you and the Nottinghams or bust.

I'll end this on a happy note. I have not gotten divorced, beaten up, fired, or arrested in some time.

It's just another day in paradise..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

originally dated 3/6/2005

A Nice Surprise

2005-03-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

I went to a dern teachers meeting today and part of the subject was, "who will be the teacher's aide of the year?".............guess what? I believe my personal fireman will get the deal. That's something. Both of us together six months and both of us win awards.

This guy definately deserves it. He does all my leg work. I've been working my ass off trying to put together programs and lessons. He schmoozes around and gets the other teachers to agree to at least give the kids a try.

This is a really good deal if he wins. I'd planned to give him half of whatever valuable prizes I got as teacher of the year for being so useful and good. If he gets aide of the year, he gets his own prizes, so screw him.......

Virtually all of my students are sick at this time. I need to dose myself down with betadine solution before I ever enter the classroom. I have a bad history of getting sick on breaks and holidays, and this looks like a good time to do that. But I will try and remain healthy long enough to get to Ok City........ I will wash my clothes before I come........

The kids are wild. I don't know if it's the weather or just the times; but they are acting out in unusual fashions. One called me a horse's ass today. I actually felt good about that. I didn't know other people of a younger gender even used terms like "horse's ass" anymore. It did my heart good that the girl knew the term, and used it correctly on the right person. Education is not yet dead in Texas...........

I'm too busy to write more now. Spring break is only days away. I will no doubt regale you all with more shit than you want to deal with when the times come. I would, however, appreciate more replies. I don't care if you cuss my opinions. I even accept Republicans.....

To tell the truth; I'm considering giving up this enterprise of writing e-mails. I might do better to spend my time writing memoirs or something.

I guess I do this because I enjoy it so much. My life isn't particularly exciting, but it's interesting if you look at it, and I know it.

I think I might delete my whole e-mail address list soon and only put people back on who write more than a paragraph. I doubt if it will save me all that much time, but it won't hurt. I'ts not that I'm pissed off at anyone; I just get tired of not getting mail back. I have needs too.......

Piss on the fire, call in the dogs.............another day in
paradise.....

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

dated 3/9/2005

Update on Letters from Bill

2005-03-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've slacked off on getting his entire works published, but I'm going to change the order that I'm publishing the letters in effective today, and I'm going to start by publishing his most recent stuff first. Eventually I supposed I'll have to write a table of contents for him.

Another Day in Paradise

2004-11-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

Another day in paradise. I woke to a poodle licking me in an unlikely spot. It was a sad awakening. The dream I was having did not include poodles.........

Terrie's already gone to work but she's putting in a short day. She has a doctor's appointment to get the results from all the tests of two weeks ago. For some reason, she wants me to go with her. I think she's a little afraid of what she'll hear. I dislike riding into cities for any reason but
in this case I will go and hold her hand. She's my princess, you know....

Son Randall came in at midnight all upset because he had run over a cat. I like it that he's kind to animals and sensitive enough to their well-being that he cares when he injures one; I just wish he would injure them earlier in the day.........

The bookstore that's advertising internet access, beverages, food, local musicians, art, and conversation is still in progress and not open to the public. They have some guy (local blues player) supposed to be there Saturday evening and I think I'll load up the electric mandolin and a couple of picks and introduce myself to the town. I have been known to pick with people using capos to get into wierd keys.............if this guy actually plays in G,C,or D I've got it made...........

I need to jump on the Fat Girl (I like the way that sounds) and ride to Bastrop to pick up some prescriptions for Terrie. The doctor doesn't want us to have to buy stuff we may not need (knows we're seeing a specialist later today) so has prepared a goodie bag of samples. There are many advantages to living in small towns. I might hit him up for some opiates while I'm there.........

I guess I'll go by Walmart while I'm in Bastrop and get a new battery for my watch. I take it off the last day of school and absolutely refuse to wear one until the first day of school. I live by the watch the whole school year thereafter........... I noticed the battery was dead about a month ago but needed nothing of importance enough to go to Walmart. If I spot some $15 shoes I might go ahead and get them. I hate to waste a trip...........

My neck and right shoulder is as stiff as a preacher's **** as usual. As soon as my new insurance goes into effect I'm going to a chiropractor and see if he/she can straigten it out. I have few physical complaints, though I may look into viagra sometime in the next few years...........in any case; this neck is about the only thing that bothers me daily. I was once whomped from the rear by four cars (including a police vehicle). It happened I was in a 70 model Mercury. It totaled all four cars behind me and only bent the little piece of metal under the rear bumper a little bit on the car I was in. But I did take a jerk and my neck has never been the same. It wakes me up every time I try to roll over in the night. I consider myself lucky to have such of small iritation to deal with considering the wicked life I have led. Many of my old friends have herpes, venereal warts, dementia, and gunshot wounds to deal with. Skip, Eugene, and Charles for example........

I have miles to travel and missions to accomplish before noon so I'd best get on with it. I hope you all have a nice day and don't piss off anyone able to actually fire you. It's about the best I hope for most of the time but constant prayer and vigilance helps. A nasty reputation doesn't hurt in this case.... Good Day..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/6/2004)

Another Day in Paradise (part two)

2004-11-24T20:31:00.000-08:00

Went for an early morning ride today.....visiting the old folks whose home I painted this summer. I like it a lot that I do good enough work that I can freely become friends with those I've worked for. The old man and I had a fine time watching the sun slowly rise, and the old woman kept my cup full of coffee......no arsenic. It pisses me off but walking through the house where the workers have been they're ripping these folks off. I am no carpenter, but the work is just plain shoddy. I told the old man I could fix some of it but to not pay the bastards one more dime until they did this and this and this. There was a lot of stuff he hadn't noticed but he was full of piss and vinegar when I left so I guess those guys will get to work or get the hell out. I do not give a shit how many contractors in the area are pissed at me...........it's becoming a hobby.......

I'm looking forward to seven tonight when the blues player is supposed to show up at the local bookstore. I'm hoping he'll be like old Brian Houser and let me join in as well as I'm able. If he's playing bookstores in Smithville he ought not be too vain. I reckon I can stir a crowd up with a rousing version, only slightly obscene, of "Go Tell Aunt Roadie"............

...it's why I choose to teach 20 miles away...............

I' m still in heaven about Terrie's test results and Randall's passing the GED with flying colors. I'll be after his ass now to get into school of some kind. I've saved since he was a small pup and the money is still there. I wasn't able to get either boy to graduate from high school but both have their GEDs. I'm hoping Randy will pick something or other to study besides drinking and fornication. I majored in those subjects but it was less dangerous in my day. One could indulge in carnal pleasures and not have to check each morning to see if one's pecker had fallen off. As far as I'm concerned, the 70's were a fine time, even if we had to dress funny...........

The Fat Girl sings. 80 mph down secondary highways just as the sun is coming up is still a blast. I've got nearly 106 thousand miles on her so far and she still rides like a new one. **** Harleys.......

I have few plans for the rest of my day until seven. I might haul another box load of books up here, though I'll have to stack them against a wall. I'm still missing a number of things and I know they're packed in boxes containing mostly books. The only way to find it is to open one at a time. It's sort of like Christmas when I open a box. I never know what'll be in there. Jimmy Hoffa could be in the shop packed in a box. I look forward to this teaching year. In Denton they called it the "Social Adjustment" class. In Bastrop it's the "Behavior Modification" class. Either way, it's the young turds, and it's what I do best (next to fornication). I always look forward to the opening speech where I always say, "Life, as you know it, is over"............

No. I'm not mean. I say a little prayer on the way to work every day that includes "make me as kind as possible, and only as firm as necessary"........... I guess it works. Before I left Denton I had two former students come to the house, both freshly out of prison, saying "You know..........I sat in that cell and thought about the things you told me, and damn if you weren't right"..... I'm not sure if that qualifies as a success but it damn sure qualifies as leaving an impression........

Son Randall is still in bed. Kids today.......... The dogs are piled up around him. They pile around Terrie until she gets up and go directly to Randall for warmth and comfort thereafter. They do not much pile around me as I'm apt to kick and knock unless I encounter warm tits. I guess it's a good thing all the dogs around here are male.......

I have nothing of importance to say, so I guess I'll piss on the fire and call in the dogs. I like replies, even with all the cursing..........so get at it............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/7/2004)

Fat Girls, Broken Hips, and Peach Jelly

2004-11-24T20:26:00.000-08:00

Another Day in Paradise. Made 17 jars of peach jelly with Granny yesterday. I don't eat much jelly but I like making it and Granny's a terror when peaches are getting too ripe. I got into an argument with a guy at Family Dollar. He was buying jars too, and I told him mine and granny's jelly was far superior to anything he could produce. He said no it ain't and I said yes it is and he said no it ain't until the store workers gathered implements of destruction in case we came to blows. As I loaded the jars onto the motorcycle the other guy was in his car and he rolled down the window and said, "No It Ain't" and I yelled back, "Yes it is"...........

Stopped by the negro junk yard on the way home and visited with the old black folks awhile. Someone brought something in with a weird problem and old James had his standard reply.

"Do you know how to fix this, James?"

"No. But the Lord do, and I'll ask him."

I like that a lot.......

Went to the exotic bookstore last night to hear/play with the guitar player. Very few people showed up so the guitar man was disappointed, but to those who did show up we played fine renditions. He's another one of those guys who like to play in the key of R; so it was difficult following him. But a man who'd rent a pig won't be stopped, so I laid in and double picked. My fingers are very sore this morning but no one got killed and the mandolin is scratch-free so I guess it was a success. The owner of the bookstore declares I get a discount now so it's all to the good.......

I need to get to town. I always get a sunday paper so I'll have a tv guide and be well informed. Also, I'm out of dog food and my animals are so vicious they might take off a leg if I leave them unfed for too long at a time. Actually I'm more worried about the little bastards figuring out how
to open the refrigerator door..........

It'll be another hot day but I do not much give a shit. I do not have to work in it if I don't want to and I have a fine air conditioner. I could probably cool the whole five acres if I wanted to pay the electric bill.............

I've been getting a lot of forwards praising George Bush or cutting down Kerry. Please stop. If you are so ignorant and lacking in testicles to send me that crap, at least make it personal so I can debate in a civilized manner before I cut you down to your ankles and have rabid homosexual pigs fornicate with you. If you haven't noticed, Bill Clinton's era was "the good old days". Cigars notwithstanding................(I never held it against him...........I like fat girls too).......

Terrie expresses concern once in awhile that she's getting fat. I only encourage her to put on another thirty pounds. When I grab ahold of a woman I like lots of padding and substance in the deal. As I get older, I'm more likely to break a hip with a bony woman, so I avoid them. Jane Fonda can kiss my ass.

I guess I might walk down the hill and see what the old folks are doing. I hope Granny hasn't found any more peaches. In truth; we had a fine time. I brought my Johnny Cash CD's and we sang along a cooked up jelly for a couple of good hours. You can't buy that kind of pleasure. come to think of it though, I think all the jelly is still down there...........

So my day gets busier even as I sit here. If you can't tell, I am having the best time of my life and enjoy almost every damned minute. I don't guess it's perfection, personal or otherwise, but damn if I don't find fun around here just messing with people. And in a rock house the bullets just bounce off............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/8/2004)

How Much Fun

2004-11-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

This will be another short and sweet one. Just got back from "Meet the Teacher" night. I did not expect to actually meet any parents because the ones I teach .........well, the parents have been conditioned to avoid contact with the school if at all possible because it's always bad news. I
generally work on that the first six weeks and have a nice friendly relationship with them all after that......

In any case; I had two show up. One explaining that all the felony charges were not the kid's fault and would I write a letter to the judge (I might) and one declaring they absolutely refuse to have the kid in another one of "those" classes another year. I surprised them and agreed. I'll do
some things and make fine suggestions to the regular teachers and if it works I'm a hero. If it doesn't work I'll have lots of data and the parents will be more agreeable. I've been in this business a long time........

It's been a very busy week. The former teachers left nothing..........primarily because they hadn't done anything............so I had to start from scratch and put a program together. Fortunately, I've done this before and the rest of the staff is delighted to have someone in there who seems to know shit from apple butter.........so they volunteer all kinds of materials and supplies..........names..........lists......who to get what from. A very helpful bunch indeed.

The principal dropped in to see how things were going and I described what I had planned and his grin got bigger and bigger. He knows he has something good going on. I've got his word he'll drop in at least once a week to see what's going on. Since I don't believe in dangerous children having spare time there'll always be something going on.......... I'll be running all these classes in Bastrop County in two years or less..............hell.........no one else wants to anyway.......

The retired fireman who is my aide is also very happy. He's been there two years, and always felt if someone did something other than give them a book and let them eat the pages things would be better, only he didn't know what to do. He says he feels a bit like John the Baptist.......

As you can tell, I'm very excited about this year. It's all pulling together nicely and I find I have one more career left in me. There's nothing like a year with no offers and extreme low pay to encourage one to do well when the opportunity arises. The funny thing is, these kids are so
much milder than the ones I worked with in Denton it's easy money, and no one down here can deal with them. I see teacher training in my future, and perhaps consultant work when I retire...........

A consultant is a person who knows 27 ways to make love but doesn't have a date.

I don't get an actual teacher's paycheck until the end of the month but tomorrow I get my last two aide's checks in one bundle, so it's a big raise. Terrie and I might can afford to go eat a cheeseburger or something....... VISA, MasterCard, and Discover are my big investments for the next year...........

Son Randall took a job in Austin at some kind of printing company. Works 12 hours a day Mon-Wed and every other Sunday. No lunch break. Two 15 minute breaks during the day if they need to shit. Good pay. I expect he'll hate it after awhile which is good. He made very high
scores on his GED and could go to school any time. In the meantime I believe slaving his ass off and paying off his meager debts is the best way he could spend his time. It might encourage him to aspire to loftier goals...........

I need to hang up these pants. I don't have many pairs of slacks and all my blue jeans are worn out. I figure slacks are good for at least two days without washing if I don't change oil in them or have the shits. But they do have to be hung up lest the dogs sleep on them and leave secretions. I don't wear a tie, but I figure I ought to at least show up wearing nice slacks without secretions on them.....at least the first year...

I'm somewhat of tired and have one more really busy day ahead of me tomorrow. Just wanted everyone to know how much fun I'm having..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/12/2004)

More Elation

2004-11-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and stormy night.............no, wait. It was a blistering hot day. No, that's not it. It was swamp-like and full of alligators..............no; not quite it. It was pretty much just another day in Smithville. A woman came into Dollar General cussing Terrie. She called her "Old Skunk Hair" (Terrie's hair is streaked) and claimed she was nasty. "Even her old blue Cadillac is nasty. Why do you allow it on the parking lot?"

I guess I'm going to have to take action. Terrie can take care of herself, and will mace anyone too big to whack with a piece of merchandise, but I cannot allow people to take liberties with one of my Cadillacs...I might lurk in the parking lot with "Poodle of the Serengeti" and when the woman comes back and starts hollering let him devour her on the spot. That'll teach the bitch.......If that fails I'm nearly certain "Stink-dog" with piss on her leg.........

Monday official school begins and I am ready. In fact, I am more ready the 1st day than any teacher who's previously had this class on their best day.

"No brag; just fact". John Wayne

I was told once (in no uncertain terms) that I come across as a mean old man when I talk about my teaching. I'm not mean, though I might be old. What I do is take the ones that no one else wants or can deal with. It's actually the law of the land. Every other option has to be tried first. If everything fails; if they are so low-down mean and ornery that no civilized classroom has a place for them, they send them to me. It ain't for pussies..........

Over the years I learned how to work with these kids. There is a high failure rate, but it's better than anyone else that I know of. They didn't come straight from vacation Bible school and neither did I. We get along fine between knifings.........

I think I've blundered into a good thing. Both principals are salivating that someone has finally come along that has a clue what to do with them, and the rest of the staff is somewhere between holding thier breath and heaving a sigh of relief. As the weeks roll on, the carbon dioxide content of the air around Bastrop will increase as all that air gets sighed out........ If anyone knows what to do with these kids, I'm the man, and it feels real good to know that and get the opportunity to prove it. I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get the chance..........

For the weekend I have to do a brake job on the car and find time to sit on the porch burning a small amount of aromatic cedar. I enjoy the smell and watching the smoke curl around. I might take a pistol out to the porch and fire a few rounds in celebration. I might go down to Grannie's and make another big batch of peach jelly. I might ride the Fat Girl through the park, and sit on a stump with a journal and record these days and what is going on. I might take the little woman out to eat since I've finally received a fairly decent paycheck...........

Several staff members came by today to offer materials or just to let me know they're available if I need something. Both principals listened to me suggest changes and things I needed and everything was done. The county co-op called today telling me all the things I requested for my class have been approved. It's funny. Last year..........the teachers told me they couldn't even get text books.

I must be a very persuasive fellow........

The retired fireman who is my aide..........you gotta picture this guy. He's exactly my age but outweighs me a good 100 lbs..............he rubs his hands together this afternoon and says, "I can't wait for Monday!"

You know; what's sad about all this is I am not even close to the best teachers I've known. I'm good. Damned good in fact. But there are so many I've met that just take the cake..........but evidentally they aren'tattracted to this area. I am a crab with very large claws in a lake full of torpid catfish............ a nice place to do one's last years and retire gracefully (if I'm not arrested or shot first).
Life is grand.........

No furthur news at this point, but the weekend has only begun...........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/13/2004)

Another Dollar General Store Mass-a-Cree

2004-11-24T20:08:00.000-08:00

Yep. Another one.

The black man shoved stuff down the front of his pants and up into his shirt. If he had been older, it might've passed as a massive tumor of some sort, and the Rattlesnake would've taken pity. But in this case, he looked young, healthy, and lazy; so she struck.......

(outside the store)

"Excuse me sir.......you need to come back inside and pay for the merchandise you have under your shirt."

"Whut? I ain't got no merchandise! I just gotta pee!"

"Um-hum. Well, if you take your hands off your crotch and anything other than merchandise hits the pavement I'll apologize."

Shit, NO! You ain't looking at my meat!"

Oh come now. You ain't got anything I ain't seen before, and more of it".....

"Git away from me, Sister" (trying to get into the passenger seat of a car).......

"If you drive off I'll just call the police and they'll pick you up in a block or two".......

(Driver of the car)....."You ain't ridin' in this one"..........

The shoplifter starts trying to hobble down the street holding his crotch and shirt together. Terrie follows, a cell-phone in one hand, a can of Mace in the other..........."You're making a mistake" she yells.......

He makes it to PJ's. PJ's is a den of iniquity. It's where the low-life scum around Smithville hang out, dealing drugs, making deals, buying seudofed to make speed. Wine is cheap there, and so is beer. Only the dregs congregate there. In fact, I've been there several times myself, enjoying the ambiance..........

The shoplifter unloads his goodies to someone inside the store, meanwhile Terrie is in the parking lot reporting everything to the police, whom are tired of her.

The man gets off with a charge of trespassing. Terrie just gets off...........

The petty criminals around Smithville are just now getting a taste of what I've had to deal with for over 20 years now. Pussies, all of them........

As a great Oracle, I can see this situation arising in the near future:

A great crowd of angry people gather around me. Most of them have tatoos and sharp looking objects gouged through various portions of their bodies. There are Nazi flags and voo-doo in the air.

"We got you now, white bread."

"You don't want to do this."

"Oh yes we do, we got you and we're going to do you in."

"Do you know who I am?"

"We don't care who you are, you're dead meat."

"I'm married to 'Skunk Hair'."

You got to be lyin'

Nope. It's the truth.

Prove it.

I provide a family photograph and loud murmurrings occur as it's passed around.......

In a more respectful tone: "How long you been with the old Skunk Hair?"

"More than 20 years."

Another loud period of murmur and disquiet..........

"And you is still alive?"

"Indeed, and I even have all my parts."

"I don't believe it!"

I unzip and proudly display.

More loud murmurings, and a few whistles........

After a brief meeting among the brotherhood, the leader comes forth:

Mr. Skunk Hair..........we apologize. A man who could live with that woman and still keep all his parts is too much for us to mess with. Go forth and tell her to please stop whippin' on us so bad".........

"All right; but beware the Dollar General"

"Oh........we got that one down pretty good already.......

In truth I think what I need to do is go down to the Dollar General parking lot about twice a week and fire about three rounds out of my .44 Magmum into the air in the direction of Austin. Then leave. After awhile, someone is bound to notice and wonder what I'd do if I was pissed. The local police department might o.k. the deal in hopes of getting some relief...........

I don't care if she has 'skunk-hair'.............she's still my princess...........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/14/2004)

The ODAAT Rag

2004-11-24T20:05:00.000-08:00

"He was just about to try his feet when Caprichoso (the mule) bit him. Not a nip, mind you, but a good healthy chomp.

Yeee-OWWWWWWWWWW! Sheemie cried, and rocketed to his feet. There was nothing so magical as a good bite on the ass, a man of more philosophical bent might have reflected; it made all other concerns, no matter how heavy or sorrowful, disappear like smoke."

Stephen King Wizard and Glass

Alas, I too have been bitten on the ass. Alcohol again. Nope. No tickets, divorces, gunshot wounds, not even fired.............just wore out with it. Finally found a local AA group and have been hard at it, trying to figure out a way to stay sober and be happy about it. It takes all my time, between that and the new job (which is going very well)......

In any case; thought I'd let those of you "in" people know why I haven't been writing of late. When I have a whiskey bottle removed from my mouth it's both painful and depressing, and I don't feel humorous enough to write.

No promises as usual. If nothing else it'll give my liver a break and perhaps the myelin sheathes of my nerves will restore enough to stop setting my eyebrows on fire every time I try to light a cigarette........

I'm actually a little hopeful. As you might have noticed, I don't actually wallow in sorrow when I'm drinking. I just sort of get smaller and smaller until I feel like I have to do something or disappear entirely. I can't explain it. No need. Just wish me luck and know I'm feeling very much better physically and mentally than I have in awhile. I'll enjoy the One Day at a Time Rag as long as it lasts and who knows?........maybe it'll last a long time.......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/23/2004)

Why I Haven't Written

2004-11-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

I do not believe my shirt-tail has touched my ass in several weeks. Busy. busy. busy.

School goes very well, but it's a lot of work putting everything together. The teachers before me never actually taught anything so there was nothing to leave by way of plans or materials. I knew this first year would be a son of a bitch. I teach seven subjects to 7th and 8th grade.

Everyone is very helpful, offering books or materials, but it's hard to find time to go through things and separate what I can use from the trash. It's OK. If I can live through this year next year will be a breeze.

I've only had one student go to jail so far and they aren't planning to keep him long. I have a new one that came with a reputation worthy of an ax-murderer but so far she seems willing to do whatever I tell her in hopes of going back to her home school and doing in the people who sent her here........ She thinks she has me fooled but I've been around a long time.......

I'm still working Saturdays trying to finish up painting the inside of a house in Cistern. I didn't really want the job but the people were so nice (I painted the outside in the summer) I couldn't refuse. Got sick Saturday and didn't finish what I'd hoped to get done. I think it was the pills the doctor gave me for tennis elbow (I believe it was the result of slinging paint brushes this summer).

In any case; I put in many hours during the week..........work Saturdays on that house.........mow and work on cars Sundays. It is only through dedication and vitamin B that I find the time and energy to fornicate. Don't tell Terrie....

.........about the vitamin B, I mean............she might hide the pills.......

Got my first teacher's paycheck yesterday. Terrie had mailed it all off before I even got home..... I'm making almost the identical check I was making in Denton before I moved. That's good. My expenses are quite a lot cheaper down here. We should be in pretty good shape this time next month and can make significant progress from there paying down debt.

So. I do not lack for anything material nor for something to do. Life is good. In another couple of weeks I should at least be through with the painting deal which will give me an extra day a week to dink around. Look for mail at that time and don't worry about anything in the meantime. I'm being good and have not yet been arrested........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 8/31/2004)

A Break in Lawn Mowing

2004-11-24T19:58:00.000-08:00

A break in lawn mowing. It's mild weather, here in Texas. I didn't start sweating until I actually reached the lawn mower, which was on the porch.......

I ate weeds yesterday and strung up a good sized snake by accident. I have no idea what he was, other than pissed I mean, but snake, weeds, and dandelions all flew together for a little while there (before I beat a retreat and instituted a military stance)...........

I went to Bro in Law Billy's wedding last weekend. It was in an old dance hall where after all the windows got knocked out they just cleaned up the glass and left the hole. It was a fitting setting. That gal has been known to knock him off the back of a four wheeler or pull his skinny ass from the back of a pick-up and land him on his back. I haven't actually witnessed these occurrences, but other relatives have it on tape....... I'm glad I live furthur up the hill, where it's calm and serene. All we have up here are snakes and scorpions (and one rattle-snake).......

Son Tim was here briefly. He and Bro in law Larry are on their way to Louisiana to build a store. Tim brought a vcr tape made by a perverted nurse. Yep..........the next grand-baby is a boy. In the film he has an impressive erection and I swear the kid already knows how to leer..........

I never expected to live to have grand-babies to dandle on my knees, or I'd of taken better care of my knees........

Son Randall just left in a cloud of dust. He always does that, even in sand. He has an underage blond to go mess with and a 12 hour job to do tomorrow. He believes in getting his leisure hours as crammed up with sin and corruption as possible before having to go back to work. Sometimes he gets a full day and a half in the space of only 24 hours. I didn't raise no lazy kids..........

The school psychologist came by to check on my class's progress the other day. They've given me two young girls who are both known as committed ax-murderers in the last two weeks. They came with instructions on how to file their teeth down every two weeks to prevent needless bloodshed, and a voucher to Blue Cross/ Blue Shield. They do fine in my class. All I have to do is squint my eyes a bit and say, "Don't make me stop this car"..........and they behave like young Sunday schoolers....... The psychologist sat there a while with big
eyes then asked me......."Are you a miracle worker?"

"No, Ma'am. I ain't Oral Roberts. I'm distantly related to his brother, Rectal, though"..........

She got out fast, which is the way I like to deal with psychologists. It's not that I dislike psychologists. I have many fine friends who follow that persuit. It's just that all the jobs for psychologists look like better than my own except for the paperwork and that pisses me off. I know more about human nature and sinfull behavior than any number of psychologists, yet they expect me to teach physics and language arts as well as the plumbing the depths of depravity. Oh well..............I signed on for it..........

All this talk of depravity inspires me. I might fire up the Fat Girl and go look for trouble after I get off this machine. I don't even have to go to town. The black degenerates are all gathered at the junk yard down the road faithfully, ever Sunday afternoon. I like to go there once in awhile
and start an argument over something (relatively benign). We argued for some time over why black folks talk funny oncest.... It wouldn't pay to get too serious. There are tire tools and implements of destruction lying all about. I'd probably get my ass whooped if it wasn't for Terrie. Her reputation as an enforcer has all the black folks buffaloed. They call her, "Skunk-hair", because it's frosted. They talk about her like this:

"Don't be goin' into the Dollar General an' stealin' shit because the Skunk Hair will git you and take your hide off".............

Being married to the notorious "Skunk Hair" I get away with a lot in the black community. They all want to know why I'm still alive.............

My grand-daughter is down here for awhile and that's grand. I don't get to see her much. Kerns claims all other grand-children are ugly, compared to his own; but I beg to differ. Put side by side, I figure Allie would make Kern's grand-daughter merely pretty, rather than beautiful. It's not Kern's fault. If the child has any beauty at all he didn't have anything to do with it to begin with...........I don't know why he gets so upset..........

Did five fine rocks last night (art work, not cocaine or speed). I'm getting better as I go along. In the beginning I picked up rocks and tried to find a picture to fit on them. By now I have buckets full of rocks and cut the pictures out and look for the perfect rock to put them on. I don't know how to describe the difference, except matching the picture and the rock is all the art that's in it, and I'm an artist. All five I did last night are museum quality.........

It's quiet and sultry outside. Even the critters are careful not to make noise. All manner of evil lurks in these woods, but it stops a good twelve feet from my porch, and I'm meaner than what all's in there so it don't signify much. I like it a lot..........

I bought myself a cheap camera and have already taken shots of the wolf and myself cavorting...........actually Terrie took the shots but it's my damned camera..... In any case; my plan is to send a few shots to you lazy bastards who won't come down here and witness the paradise I have esconsed myself within.........

Maybe some of you will change your mind..............byob.............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 9/12/2004)

Spiders, Shakespeare, and Dangerous Reptiles

2004-11-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

"No man should have a secret from his wife. She invariably finds out."
Oscar Wilde

I guess after 20 years of marriage and two of stormy romance Terrie knows most of my secrets. At least the old ones.........

The sun shines bright in middle Texas. It's humid enough to steam young vegetables without the need of a fire. The spiders have grown gills and the critters all use extra strength mousse so they can bristle. The dirt can't make up it's mind...........is it dust, or mud?..........

Terrie just left with Daughter in law and Grand-baby. I spent yesterday getting tires and checking fluids on vehicles. My newest car is 15 years old, and some attention is required to keep them on the road. The years I spent as a gasoline attendant or Exxon mechanic were not wasted. I was, but the years weren't......... I was thinking about a gal who used to come into the Exxon station in Chickasha the other day. I knew she liked me the way she always asked me to wash her windshield and then hitched up that short skirt so I could see what color her panties were. She was a game gal, but limited conversationally. I wish her well anyway......... she made
many of my days..........

The longest copperheaded snake ever killed in Texas was nearly four and a half feet long. Sister-in-law Cotton-couth declares she's seen longer ones on my property. I'm reserving my opinion. Cotton-mouth don't drink or smoke marijuana, but she might be crazy. The whole family is as far as I can tell, even me. The only reason I don't break out in visual and auditory hallucinations is I'm half Kuykendall, and we like to force visions on other people rather than suffer them ourselves. It's what did the Indians in around here. A Kuykendall would come to the fire and tell a few tales. Later, the Indians all killed themselves in angst. In any case, I figure it's my job to chronicle things rather than change them. So here goes.......

Bro-in-law Billy married his POSSLQ a couple of weeks ago. They done it in an old dance hall. I've rarely seen a couple more likely to kill one another. I live in a rock house to repel gunfire. They need one to keep from killing the neighbors. Sometimes it spills from the front door out
onto the porch and plumb into the driveway. Blood and guts everywhere..........

I'm going to miss that a lot. They're moving to Oklahoma where no one will be handy to make historical representation..... Watch out, Comanche...........

Hell. In the old days, the Duncan boys called Comanche "Come a Hunchie" because them country gals were randier than coons.............hmmmmmmmmm............come to think of it, Terrie's from Comanche............ I better change the subject..............

I have young neices uncounted around here who know I put pictures upon rocks. They also know I keep pepsi and snacks in the house. I get regular visitors, and sometimes I'll find a pile of interesting rocks on the porch. I like that a lot.......

I need to mow today. This time last year this hill was bare sand. Now, there is a great deal of vegetation. Some of it is grass. I have to keep it back from the house in self-defense. I ain't seen no four foot copperheads but I've seen a few youngsters, and they like to hide in the grass. I might get drunk and foolishly wander out into the yard sans shoes or boots. It would be ironic if a mere reptile brought me down...........

Work goes well. I've gotten three new students since school started. Ax-murderers all according to records. I sit them down, give them a grin, and tell them life is over as they know it, and after that, no problem. I'm already getting so called experts in to see what the hell I'm doing. No one
can figure it out. The truth is, I'm just like these kids and they sense it...................I can say things to them and get away with it that anyone else would lose a leg over.........

I think the principal has noticed too. He's sending me to a program in San Antonio over kids with a certain kind of autism. We have four in the school now (I have one of them in my class) and no one has a clue what to do with them. This is a very big deal. The ones running the show in San
Antonio are supposed to be the tops in the whole world on the syndrome. It'll cost the district close to a thousand bucks to send me. The budget is so tight its' balls hurt. It says something that they're sending me to this thing a month into my teaching career around here..........

Between mowings, I think I might just walk around out here awhile, and take in what God has given me. Huge oaks. Cactus. Rocks galore. I carry a plastic grocery bag when I take these expeditions to gather what I find. Sometimes I carry a pistol, but rarely see anything I want to shoot. It does encourage people to stay off the property though..........

Linda Rondstadt on the stereo. Bose speakers. When I was young I couldn't afford speakers like these. Now you can find them in pawn shops for a song. Linda Rondstadt used to be hot. Now she's a fat girl. Hell...........I'd give her a throw if Terrie would let me even now.......

Got spooked early this morning. Went for my weekly Sunday paper and there was a guy on the outside telephone that was the spitting image of son Randall. I actually thought it was him at first. I became panicky. I wondered if I should ask him what his mother's name was, and if he was born with a tail. Arithmetical sense prevailed. I have sinned mightily in the past 20 or so years, but not carnally.............. he ain't mine. What a relief............ Who'd a thought virtue would
actually be good for anything? >>>>>>>

Son Tim and Bro in Law Larry are currently in Florida, the sunshine state. It's funnier than shit. They were in Louisianna to do a store and the hurricane had everything shut down.

The boss said,"Well...........I guess you can go to Florida and work on the store there."

Larry said, "Uh.....have you followed the news? They've had a hurricane or two down
there already."

"Oh. Well, go anyway."

They had to fly to Dallas to catch a jet to Florida. Oh well. Larry married the old Cotton-mouth and has remained alive for about 24 years after the fact. He can handle it. Son Tim has probably smoked enough marijuana that he doesn't know what state he's in, so it don't make no difference to him. Kids today.............

"The common curse of mankind --folly and ignorance."
Shakespeare

Life springs eternal on Hope's breast. Dear old Hope. I wish her well too....... In any case; I aim to get manly with the lawn mower and sweat mightily. In my weed-eating last week I weed-ate a small snake. I have no idea of his nationality. He was not waving a flag. My weed-eater is an industrial model. It will strip the bark off of old trees or the hide off a snake before one can take note. The snake is gone, but the memory remains. It gives a sense of adventure to mowing.......

Good on you old friends.............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 9/19/2004)

Dangerous Shit and Liabilities

2004-11-24T19:50:00.000-08:00

I doubt if this'll be a long letter. I'm tired and hungry. I feel it's an obligation, however, to chronicle things out of the ordinary that happen down here. I might get shot or hung and no one would have no idea why (probably for chronicling)........

In any case, Terrie nearly got killed yesterday. She was barreling down the highway at what she claimed was the speed limit but probably a good ten miles faster and a dump truck pulled out directly in front of her and stopped. She locked the brakes and ended up sideways against the truck with about four inches of air between them. I call that a good save.

I'm partial to old cadillacs, but they don't always stop exactly on a dime. Sometimes they won't stop on a five dollar bill. But it didn't roll and it came home unscathed, as did Terrie. She needs
to take better care of herself. I don't act particularly good with her here to keep an eye on me. If she got creamed by a dump truck and I collected a bunch of money from insurance and law-suits I'd probably raise hell.

If the regional authorities knew what they'd be in store for they'd assign people to watch over her, sort of like the secret service............

I myself have not nearly gotten killed in several weeks. It's been slow. I did meet a truck coming over a hill who took up nearly the whole damned road and would've died except for there not being any reinforced mail-boxes along that stretch of road. Such things are so common an occurrance I give them little attentiion and wouldn't mention it at all except for Terrie's
close call. It's a different standard that's called for. If Terrie gets smashed to smithereens, it's all their fault and the whole county will have to pay in aggravation with me. If I get killed, it was probably all my fault and Terrie will spend the insurance money playing bingo at the Veterans of Foreign Wars or something. I'm OK with that. I live in relative serenity.

Terrie also had one of her attacks the other day. No. Not the attacks involving black shop-lifters at the Dollar General..........One of her Cavernous Angioma attacks, where she goes a little woozy in the head and winds up flopped in an emergency room bed. In this case her mother took her
to the hospital and Terrie promptly fell out of the car and whacked herself upside the head on the brick drive-way, which alarmed her mother. I couldn't tell Terrie (or the bricks) were particularly damaged but it had to be all checked out. They did a cat-scan on Terrie and called in a road crew to check the drive-way. I'll get the bill for both.........

I had to leave school early last Friday in order to deal with things at the emergency ward and while I was gone one of the students threatened to cut my teacher's aide's head off with a chain-saw. It was a big to-do. As near as I can determine, the girl did not actually have in her possession a chain-saw, so I doubt if she could have accomplished what she threatened to do. My aide, who out-weighs me a good 100 lbs, did not seem particularly alarmed. So I kept her in from lunch and gave the kid a stern lecture about cutting off heads in my classroom. I hate
paperwork.........

I'm told Denton has grown so much in the year I've been gone Terrie almost didn't recognize huge sections of it. So be it. We still only have two red lights in Smithville and that's the way I like it......... I do miss Sonic hot-dogs though...........

.........their #1 cheese-burger was pretty good too.........

I have three good books going and think I'll put something on the stove and spend the next hour reading one of them. The Czeckloslovakian relative heard I needed a pressure washer so brought me his to use. The house is encrusted with spider webs and disgusting refuse that sticks to spider webs, and a water hose won't knock it off the rock. If I get ambitious I might see if I can make a little progress on that deal. I dislike my home looking like something that might metamorphosis come spring........

Speaking of that..........I bought a cheap camera and slowly take pictures to have scanned and sent to all you lazy bastards who haven't come to see me yet. Hell. I might take some before and after shots of the house before I fire up the pressure hose if a reptile don't get me...........

...or maybe not. I might eat some left-over chicken and take a nap...........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 9/21/2004)

Just Sharing My Day

2004-11-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

"I know myself now; and I feel within me a peace above all earthly dignities, a still and quiet conscience."

Shakespeare
Henry viii, Act iii

"Yeah, right."

Baba september 23

An unruly day. I knew I was in for trouble when I saw a crow eating a possum on the way to work...........always a bad omen. It's better when you see a buzzard eating a lawyer..........

My teacher's aide the ex-fireman called in for the 2nd time this week. I can't hold it against him. I know what he gets paid (it's what they paid me last year). But they sent a substitute in who wanted to be helpful. People like that are dangerous in the kind of classes I teach. They see me discipline a student, or render criticism and think they can get away with it as well. It don't work that way.........

The one who threatened to cut off my teacher's aide's head with a chain-saw took one look at her and said, "Did anyone ever tell you your hair-do looks like a damned palm tree?"

I took some points off her social skills chart, but not too many. Thedamned woman's hair-do DID look like a palm tree......... I corrected her thusly: "You're hair-do has somewhat of a resemblance to a dern palm tree."

(Texas, you know)....

In any case; everything was fine until I took my 30 minute lunch break. When I came back, all hell had broken loose and scorched the entire wing of the building. I honestly have not been able to figure out what the damned palm tree woman did, but it resembled a Korean street riot when I arrived. They'd called in principals, extra aides, and hired thugs of all manner when I arrived wiping mustard off my mustache. I didn't have time to take notes, so I told this one to stand right there facing the wall, that one to sit down and finish his Texas History.............the other one to wait for me in the hall, and another one to mind her own damned business.

And they all did. I dismissed the troups and set about trying to salvage the day. To quote one of my heroes (Dave Barry).......I am not making this up. It happened pretty much this way. I have no idea why these kids will do for me and eat every other teacher alive. Perhaps it's the cattle-prod, or the spurs............either way; the legend grows.......

It did make for a sorry day though. I'd hoped to get through another one without bloodshed or police. When I set my expectations too high I am invariably disappointed...........

I've done several rocks lately and have gotten the techniques down pretty much pat. As long as my eyes and hands hold out I can produce pretty little works that have some artistic value without huge expenditures of time. That's generally been one of my problems art-wise. I want to do things with such intricate detail that the hours involved would require huge prices to pay even minimum wage. I know artists are supposed to suffer and the heirs get rich, but screw that. I like the idea of finding something vaguely artistic that's commercial and doing something once in awhile that no one will buy but I like a lot. KMA.............

I have just a few small chores to accomplish before I piss on the fire and
call in the dogs. Just wanted to share my day...........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 9/23/2004)

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2004-11-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

It was the worst of times, the best of times, sometimes it just plain sucked.......

I awoke yesterday well before daylight via Terrie hollering and carrying on about the house being flooded. I was in the midst of a dream about hurricane Ivan, enjoying the rain and spectacle of it all, so was not sure if I was awake or still dreaming. When a boot flew through the door and glanced off my left hip I was almost certain it wasn't a dream. Sure enough, the water heater had exploded and flooded the entire house with warm water and ferrous oxide (we got a lot of iron in the water down here).

So I spent some time humping it up and down hills to find a wet-vac, then spent a couple of hours sucking up water and demised poisonous insects. These walls hide a terrific burden of deadly surprise.........

I figured it for a bad day.

Terrie gets on the telephone with General Electric, who made the water heater. She uses her Southern Belle voice. You know. The one she uses when she wants me to clean up fresh dog turds and like it.... Anyway; she gets them to agree to pay a plumber $75 to come out and
examine the problem.

About an hour and a half later the plumber arrives, all hung over (Saturday morning, you know). He spends about ten minutes looking at the water heater and declares it a fatality, and wants $75.

I was prepared for this and in the process of looking for the check book when he spied my exotic rocks, with pictures stuck on 'em. He saw one in particular and said:

Plumber: "That's a real purty hummingbird. My girlfriend is pissed off at me over sumpin' but she loves hummingbirds. How much would you take for that rock?"

Baba: "That there is an artistic rock. Have you ever seen such work with scissors? I nearly ruined my eyes trying to cut them wings out. I figure $25 at the least."

Plumber: "Hmm. That's a mite steep."

Baba: "Look here. You ain't going to find another rock with a hummingbird on it today, you done made $75 for looking at a water heater, and this rock with probably get you some good nookie."

Plumber: "You got a point, but she'll usually come across for a ten dollar meal and five dollars worth of beer".........

Baba: "I understand. People in this day and age need to conserve their resources. I tell ya what, I'll take the fifteen bucks and you won't even have to take her out in public tonight."

Plumber: "Why, thank you!"

So the plumber got the rock which I spent a good twenty minutes on and I got $15, and the girl friend wound up with the rock and the plumber got some nookie and I guess everbody is happy. I like business of that kind..........

...so Terrie gets the receipt from the plumber and calls General Electric back with that same Southern Belle voice and gets them to give us a new water heater and up to $250 to install the damned thing. I done it myself and will use sister in law Cottonmouth's stationary (L&D
Construction) and only charge them $242.50.

I love it when a plan comes together. I like it even more when shit falls from the sky.

I had to use Randall's pickup to go get the new water heater. I spoil him. When I use his pickup I always fill it up, so he never bitches. When I got home (truck already filled) I told him:

"Son, if you'll git out there with that pressure washer and clean all the spider webs off the house I'll fill up your truck."

The dumb-ass never checked the gas gauge, he just went out there and done it........

I sat on the porch awhile last night and burned some nice smelling cedar while it rained like fury. It didn't last that long, we didn't get much of Ivan (despite my dreams). When the grass dries today I guess I'll mow some. Terrie's gone to Louisiana with the Cottonmouth but promises to come back with at least some of her paycheck. After a good rain rocks always surface out here. They sort of grow out of the sand. I guess I might find another dozen or so. Another horney plumber might come out. You never know..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 9/26/2004)

I Ain't Actually From Texas

2004-11-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I ain't actually from Texas..........I was born in Oklahoma City on statehood day, so I guess that makes me as Oklahoman as you can get. But I really like living in Texas. I've been to the Alamo twice so I guess you could call me a born again Texan...........

(originally dated 10/2/2004)

Another Day in Paradise

2004-11-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

"After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
Oscar Wilde

For myself, I have been treated to several good dinners lately. Sister in Law Cottonmouth provided ribs from the German place one night in particular. Good ribs, though I think I make 'em better. I like a little grease to drip off my moustache when I eat a rib. Not everyone has the same taste, I understand.....

It's cool at last. I figure it won't get over 84 degrees today. We've had several toad-stranglers so everything is sort of wet and mil-dewy. I might mow some later in the day. Toad stools are out
everywhere. I guess I'm getting old. I have not yet stopped to inspect for the ones that make you see strange animals and fertility deities. I'm almost certain there is a crop of them out there somewhere.......... I love field trips.........

I'm going to San Antonio on a field trip tomorrow. The school is sending me to learn all there is to know about kids with a higher level form of autism. I look forward to it. It's an interesting subject and I'm out of date. I figure to write a young thesis on the subject when I get back and e-mail it to everyone in the school district. I'm good at that sort of thing. It might do some good somewhere and even if it don't, it'll make me look like the smart-ass I am. Someone might remember that years from now when I'd like to make a few bucks in the consulting business....

I went garage saling this morning for the first time in recent memory. I did well. I won't list all the treasures but for $20 I got a car load of shit that is both useful and potentially profitable with a little artistic touch added here and there. There was one place where I stopped and they had this huge box full of old National Geographic and other magazines.....

"How much do you want for them old magazines?"

"Ah'd take four dollars for the whole box."

"Them's old magazines."

"Yup, but they're clean."

"Do you reckon you'll have even one more person come in today who wonts old magazines?"

"Probly not..."

"I'll give ya two bucks and buy the picture frame."

"You got a deal, Partner."

I figure to construct several collages and God alone knows how many decoupaged rocks out of this trove.....

It is far too pretty to stay at the key-board long. All sorts of strange plant-life abounds. Things I've never seen or noticed before. Much of my attention this time a year ago was focused on getting the house done well enough to move in, or looking for a living wage job. This year even the land that was scraped off in construction abounds with flora and fauna.........not all of it dangerous.... I can entertain myself for hours just walking around out here, looking at shit, picking up rocks (I carry a plastic grocery sack at all times), stopping in to see what insanity is going on with the in-laws.............I stay constantly amused and it costs nothing.

I guess I'll get on with it. I have one or two errands to run in town and haven't fired up the Fat Girl in almost a week. I might stop at the junk yard on the way home and share a joke with those fellows. They like to see me coming, knowing I'll have a wild tale. You never know.........I might need a part sometime.........

Hope you all are well and having as much fun as I am.......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 10/9/2004)

Oscar Wilde, Petty Bitching, and Rocks

2004-11-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

"The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair." Oscar Wilde

No. I have not taken to dying my hair. I cut it close enough to the scalp to not need a comb, and damn those who would like to take me by it and whip my ass. Their number recedes year by year. I couldn't whip all of them, but I've out-lived a number of them and it gives me a great sense of accomplishment. I take what I can get by way of that........

I have been slack in my writing because I am busy. If I am not busy doing something important, I am busy doing something inane, but important at the time. Today, for instance. I walked around and picked up a good forty pounds of pretty rocks. I also picked up a good load of trash off the road but I wouldn't want to appear too virtuous..........it's penance for all those beer bottles I threw out in Oklahoma in my youth. It's another example of Oklahoma losing out. Just when I get ready to make amends, Texas gets the benefit. Of course, they have to let me live
here.......

The grass wasn't tall enough to require cutting but I could not stand not cutting something so I went down the hill and cut the old man's hair. He doesn't have much hair to begin with so it ain't a big chore. I only nicked him a time or two and only on the back-side where he can't see it to complain. I've considered learning how to do those fancy initials and shit that black folks do in order to display pleasant messages to everyone behind George's back. Someone is almost bound to squeal though...........and the old man is quick with a knife.....

"Dullness is the coming of age of seriousness." Oscar Wilde

Things have gotten dull around here. No one has discharged a firearm or set a big fire in several weeks. I'm getting worried about it. All that angst held in might be dangerous oncest it's released. On the other hand, the fact that both bro in laws are out of state and the old man is down in his back might explain it. The women folk seem to get along without big alarms or blood-shed. At least not much.......... It is kind of dull though.......

Since I didn't have any useful work to do today and Terrie was out of the house I created fourteen exotic rocks. It's a record. Three or four of them are really quite good. The rest are merely commercial. I'm accumulating a rather large collection but expect to sell a number of them soon. There'll be side-walk sales or something hereabouts and I figure to deal off most of them. I might get a local gift shop to sell them on consignment or something. Hell, I don't care. I just do it because I'm good at it and it costs nothing. It gives me an excuse to walk around out here picking up pretty rocks and spend hours in an easy chair with a pair of scissors and the blue-grass channel on the satellite tv. A six dollar bottle of the glue I use will last a month or two. Once in awhile I have to buy a new pair of scissors. I'm a big spender on my hobbies.......

Work goes well but I'm wearing down. Starting with nothing and teaching five subjects it takes all I can do to stay a few days ahead. I appealed via e-mail to the other teachers where I teach to send me materials as they copied for their own classes and several have come through. In time I'll have it all put together and live will be easy. In the meantime it's ass-holes and elbows every day just keeping up. I love my job, but I'm tiring. I look forward to Thanksgiving vacation. I need a good break.........

No other news, Old Friends........... Just working hard during the week and working on the rock pile weekends. Life ain't bad........
Hope you are all well and avoiding arrests, divorces, or
ass-whoopin's ................I call that success..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 10/17/2004)

Recent Events, Too Much Work, and Oscar Wilde

2004-11-24T19:16:00.000-08:00

"One should always be a little improbable." Oscar Wilde

Yep. No trouble, buddy..... I steered my way home today to discover a howling wolf out in the front yard. I don't know what she was howling about, but I let her in to eat all the dog's food and drink up all the water and she seemed satisfied. She laid out on the floor a good spell, right in front of the doggie door, which discouraged the cat. I think the cat wanted out but did not wish to turn his ass directly into a wolf's jaws. I much enjoyed watching him try and figure it out, parabling it out to my own experiences in life. As I told the cat, "Sometimes you just got to hold it in and wait"...........

It's hot. As far as I know we have not yet set any new records for heat in past the middle of October but it was 91 degrees when I left school today. It's been about 80 in the mornings before daylight. I come home in my un-air-conditioned Cadillac with my clothes stuck to me like fresh strips of bacon. I near tore my shoulder loose getting out of my shirt today.......

....Even at that, I got a better deal than Terrie...........she went to work at seven and won't get off until 8:30 tonight. It pays to get a college education. If she'd of gone to college she'd of picked out a better man to get married with and wouldn't have to work these long hours. I'll do enough laundry and have something good to eat ready when she comes home. I DO have a college education, and dislike being whacked with large sticks of fire-wood..............

My students are not actually rowdy when I am present, but seem to make up for it after hours. One broke into the school and committed fornication in-flagrant delecto-where-the -custodian-could -discover-them the other night. Charged with breaking and entering (which amuses me a lot). Other than having to mop the floor, I don't know what the custodian was so upset about......

...another one (Hispanic) is arrested for participating in a cock-fighting venture. He claims it's part of his heritage and should not be against the law. I advised him to sell the chicken or move to Mexico..........

...another one is in the hospital. He tried to knee someone in the crotch and hit a pole instead (no, I don't know how). They are draining body fluids from behind his knee-cap as we speak.

The autistic one is doing marvelous. She really shouldn't even be in my class but she has a tendency to make sarcastic comments without thinking first about how they might be recieved. I enjoy them a lot, and often compliment her on her creativity..... We are best friends....

I started out having this kid for only one class every two days, but it has blossomed into about half her school time. It always starts the same way.............some teacher who can't control her class in the best of times will come to me with an expression of pain, like a moody tenor about to embark on an aria (stolen from Carrie Fisher), and beg me to take the child because her comments disrupt whatever discipline they've been able to manage. I'm reluctant to take this child out of regular classes yet I am probably the closest expression to a mentor the kid could find in these parts.........so I go along. The funny thing is, she gets my jokes better than many of the other students..........If you know anything at all about autism that's some kind of weird..........

"One should always play fairly----when one has the winning cards".
Oscar Wilde

I am an old dog, but I learned a new trick. Most of the rocks I've produced have come out fairly well. But once in awhile one just plain sucked. I got to messing around last night with felt tip pens that are either indelible or run like grease when covered with the glue I use and damned if I haven't found a way to turn even the failures into works of art. I swear. One rock I'd considered throwing into the forest is a museum quality work now... I'm gearing up on this thing. I think I have at long last found something artistic I can do that is actually
commercial..........

I'm having a slight problem with the school psychologist. It's not my first time. I've known both good and bad psychologists and the good ones are worth nurturing along until they come to grips with some form of actual reality. Some of you know who I mean...........

Anyway; the one I'm dealing with here is at best a dumb person with opinions. I think he would probably make a fine next door neighbor, but is far too flakey to have the responsibility he has. Worse still, he refuses to take my advice as the Word of God. I have a hard time tolerating that. If he doesn't straighten out soon I will allow a student to knee him in the balls.........

The wife and both sons are working furiously to make a living. I guess I put in my time too. Last letter I was tired just from the amount of stuff that has to be done this first year in order to have an actual program. But it's going well. If I have not turned the Wild Ones into little lambs, I have at least convinced them it's in their best interest to not misbehave while I am on duty. That's something. I have not yet even needed to bring out whips or chains. Generally speaking, one look at my bright and smiling face is enought to guarantee a trouble free day. Maybe I need a shave.........

I guess I'd better get off my ass and prepare a delicious feast for Terrie and fold some quantity of clothes. I might run a tub of hot water for her to sink her ass into as well............it's been hot and even in her daintiness she might've sweat some, and stink. I've always been in favor of fastidious women, and am willing to put up with some stink if they work; but there's no use stinking if we have a working bath-tub and we do. When we got married there was no propane to heat water so we had to use the hose and cold well-water or go visit Grand-pa Fred. Things are better now. If I need to dunk my wife in warm soapy water I can do it without having to make visitations or hock a guitar for propane. Who says there is no progress in this life?.........

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'll close with a final quote:

"I haven't time for deliberate unkindness. I suppose the kind of unkindnesses I am capable of are of the unconscious variety, neglect of others through overconcern for myself. The long way to say selfish. But intent is so important--- it's the difference between two to seven and the chair."

Carrie Fisher

(originally dated 10/20/2004)

In Deep Shit Again

2004-11-24T19:11:00.000-08:00

"I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices." Oscar Wilde

I swear. I need to get some new books of quotations. I'm about to wear Oscar Wilde out.... all I have left is from presidents, and they turned out to be a boring lot.........

Another day in paradise. It's been in the high 80's every day with 120% humidity and mosquitoes. Mosquitoes usually leave me alone, being naturally unsavory and all; but the bastards have even taken after me this week. I guess they've bled everything else dry and it's me or cactus.....

Got a call last night that the old folks septic system was down again. Some of you might recall I spent Christmas day shoveling shit. Well, I got to do it again. The only bright spot is I discovered the trouble. The old man likes to pour bacon grease down the sink, and the old woman likes to clean everything with bleach. Between the two a poor septic system doesn't have a chance. Fortunately, I've taught both biology and physics. Between the two I think I convinced the two of them to change some habits....

....I remember when I first took on teaching high school science my little sister Mary was appalled. She knew as well as I did I'd barely passed a science course in high school and tested out of the ones in college (that should've been a clue). She didn't take into consideration I've read the equivalent of 200 books a year since I was fourteen years old, not all of them pornography.........

It's a little past mid-day. Cloudy and mild. I guess I might get off my ass and weed-eat awhile. The grass is growing slower so I don't have to mow. I much enjoy operating small machinery out here in the wild. I try to keep a balance. I want some order, but I enjoy jungle and chaos as well.
I only trim so far...........

"A good friend will bail you out of jail. A really good friend will sit in the cell with you and say "damn, we screwed up"....
anonymous

There is a lot going on in my class and in school in general right now that might turn out really good or might just plain suck, depending. Somehow, I'm in the middle of a whole lot of it and we'll just have to see how it turns out. I think I might have to contradict the principal and a few other so called experts in big meetings. I've tried to warn them about my views. I can't help it. I get close to my students and will not back down when it comes to their welfare and future. They will either praise me as a saint later in the week or try and crucify me for not being a team player. As my old twin Cousin Jim used to say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke".... I'm not really being noble, you know. I just don't like the sons of bitches telling me what to do...........

The dogs just went nuts. Howling and skidding across the Congoleum floor to get outside and bite something. I don't hear any cries or gunfire. Screw it.....

The old people are grateful I got their septic system going again. I can eat bacon there for a month on this day's work alone. It's like I told them........."What choice did I have? Do you think I want a couple of old people coming to my house every time they need to shit?" They love me in spite of my ways..........

The bluegrass channel is on the tv. Hot mandolins and guitars. I like it a lot. I don't get much opportunity to pick with anyone around here, though that might change one day. Once in awhile I sit on the porch and bellow out a few. I don't have the range I once had but I can still harmonize, and most of my favorite singers had voices like geese farts anyway. No one expects an old man to have a pretty voice. It gets to a point where one of my favorite sayings comes in.....

"It's not a wonder that the pig sings well; but that the pig sings at all"..........

The dogs have come back in and settled around my feet. I do not detect any blood or gore. Whatever got them to going was quick or stealthy. I guess I'll try my look getting it with a weed-eater..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 10/30/2004)

Fall with Baba and Ram Dis

2004-11-24T15:58:00.000-08:00

Baba steps out onto the porch, taking in the sunrise. A gentle fog lofts across the oak trees and cactus (a rare combination, but Baba did not pick his abode lightly).... He spies Ram Dis half way up an oak tree, shivering.......

Baba: Old Friend. Hast thou partaken of the forbidden Jimson weed again. Thou canst not truly fly thee know.......

Ram Dis: Praise the Maker! I had almost given up all hope thee would rise before noon! Ist it safe for me to come down now?

Baba: Indeed. Thee is always safe here as longst as thou wear good boots...... Why art thou perched in a tree?

Ram: I came unto your driveway late in the night. As I approached I performed the blessing rituals and made mystic signs in the air every third step, bowing forward (as it is written). When nearing your abode, in the midst of a bow, thy wolf stuck her snout into my nether regions. As thou knowest, I dost not wear underwear beneath my saffron robe, and it came to me in a mighty vision that the wolf desired my entrails, and wast preparing to drag them from and embarrassing orifice.....

Baba: (stifling a laugh) Thee were not in any danger. The wolf knows thy spoor from the time thou hast pissed off my front porch. She dost not attack those allowed to do thusly.......

Ram: Indeed? I am afraid I hath broken several branches off thy tree in my flight up here. Canst thou provide a ladder to aide my descent to Earth?

Baba provides a ladder used recently to paint a house.

Baba: Well. What hast thou been up to?

Ram: When I wast in the county jail last, I heard a holy man was dealing in relics made of native rock. As I enquired furthur, I found that the quality was such that only the great Baba Havabanana could be the artist. Ist it true.

Baba: Indeed. I hath taken it up to adhere parables upon rock.

Ram: Art there any money in it?

Baba: Other than a plumber, I hath not yet released these upon the world. Yet I believe there mightst be a buck in it.

Ram: How dost thou go about it?

Baba: I walk the roads and trails with two sacks. One for rocks. One for trash that the heathenish leave on the road side.

Ram: Admirable.

Baba: It is but a small repayment of Kharmic debt, to repay all the beer bottles I threw out of car windows in my youth.

Ram: But.........I thought thee had long ago reconciled thyself to coming back in the next incarnation as a worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle........

Baba: Indeed. One can only repay so much Kharmic debt in one lifetime; but it occured to me I would like to come back as the worm in the bottom of a GOOD bottle of tequila........

Ram: Hmmm.

Baba: With age, sometimes comes wisdom. I doth clean up the driveway and roadsides and gather unto me many rocks of hue and colour. The rocks do I create into works of art. The trash doth provide me with provender to piss off the fire martial. Life is indeed good.

Ram: Thou takest the cake, Baba.....

Baba: Indeed.

Note: To all thee infidels...........I dost not have much time to fornicate with the computer. Please follow these instructions: I love getting mail, but send only personal letters or the finest quality smut. Do NOT send anything that has to be opened. My ISP or ESP or UPS or whatever it is ..........is slow. I don't have time to wait for things to open unless it's truly depraved. If it meets that standard, send it with love..........Jokes are good as long as I don't have to wait for them to open. I don't mind a diatribe once in awhile. Go with
God...........

Oh. I freely stole the "worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle" thing from Eugene Dew, Esq. I didn't use to admit to these petty thieveries but I really do want to come back in a GOOD bottle..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 10/31/2004)

Another Day in Paradise: Part x

2004-11-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Someone's stolen my copy of Oscar Wilde, so I am bereft of a quotation. What a drag. I'll just have to wing it with my own words and hope for the best.

The sun shines and it's a balmy 50 degrees. They say there's eight inches of snow in Amarillo but screw 'em. I went garage saling yesterday and bought two shirts and three coffee cups. Terrie keeps hauling coffee cups to work and losing them. We don't need many long sleeved shirts down here so the two I bought ought to outfit my wardrobe for a couple of years. I
averaged $1.50 on the shirts and .25 on the coffee cups. I done good........

The cat came in with a swollen up paw. I told Terrie to just let it be, the cat would either get well or die, but nothing doing. She hauled it down the hill so her sister could examine it. As soon as she got the cat in the house the dogs got after it and all hell broke loose. The cat (good for him) wounded two dogs and took out the doggie door for the yard, Terrie in hot persuit. With the sore paw, the cat could not climb the fence, so got hemmed into a corner hissing and clawing. Terrie went in after him barefoot and became entangled in a sticker patch. Bro in Law Larry came
upon the scene and kicked the dogs out of the way and offered his back to deliver Terrie from the stickers.........it was almost too much for him. He's not used to carrying heavy loads and Terrie ain't the skinny little thing I married 21 years ago....... the cat became angry and scratched the shit out of Larry, so he dropped him. The dogs and cats got after it again, so he dumped Terrie (still in the sticker patch) and kicked the dogs into the house where they could be locked up. He returned, bent and broken, to haul Terrie to the porch. When it was all said and done, she brought the cat home. I looked at him this morning. He's fine. I have not yet checked on Larry.

Terrie got a wild hair yesterday and decided we needed to take a motorcycle trip to Luckenbach Texas (where there ain't nobody feelin' no pain). I was all for it. We drove about 30 miles, slow.......and stopped to get a bite to eat. Terrie was shaking so badly I asked her if she wanted
to go on or go home. She's just scared on a motorcycle, even when I'm being good. So we came home. There's a new wrinkle in the seat where she'd clinched her ass........... I might can beat it out with a ball pein hammer.............

I have nothing to do today and I like that a lot. The grass has slowed down on unseemly growth and the old folks septic system is in order. I guess I might walk around awhile and pick up rocks. I started four new ones last night and they look pretty good. I have a whole box full of magazines to cut pictures out of and the cottonmouth sent me some catalogs. I might spend the day just dinking around with shit like that and be perfectly happy. I am easily satisfied.

Work goes exceedingly well. They've taken to sending me the tough kids from regular education for a lesson in manners. After a day or two in my class they go back with a whole new outlook on life. It's not that I'm mean to them; I just tell them they have no rights and no privileges unless they earn them, and that they could end up in my class permanently if they don't change their ways. It scares the shit out of them. It's turned out to be a good thing. I enjoy my students so much it's hard to be hard. The end result is if I'm not careful I'll have a bunch of kids who don't want to go out to other classes. I have to walk a tightrope. I don't want my class to be hell on earth, but I want them to much desire outside classes. I have to be a little bit meaner than I want to be. Sad, in a way; but it's what I do.........

I went for a physical the other day. My heart is in grand shape. The doctor stuck his hand so far up my ass I think he left his wrist watch, but declared I'm in good shape there as well. I do not yet have the results from blood and urine but if my heart and ass hole are ok I guess I'm pretty
much satisfied.

I'll turn 52 in a few days. Damned if I know how. I remember being amazed I made 30. I guess I'm living proof people don't shoot as well as they used to...........

I think I'll take a sack and go pick up rocks awhile. It's too pretty to sit in the house and there's no telling what critters I'll see or what I'll find. It don't cost nothing and the air around here is exceptionally clean. If I play my cards right, I might make it to 53.............

I guess that's it.

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 11/7/2004)

A Hunerd Years From Now

2004-11-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

I've temporarily lost even my Oscar Wilde for quotations, so will rely on my old Uncle Elmer.......

"A hunerd years from now, won't nobody know the damned difference"........

I've had a harrowing week. I had to go get a physical last week (as already faithfully recorded) but did not mention that the doctor felt I needed to be on anti-depressants. I had to wonder about that. I do not walk around sad or depressed much to my way of thinking, yet by answering their questionairre and not telling him that previous doctors had told me
the same thing, he came to the same conclusion. So I tried a new one. I went mad.

The first couple of days it seemed like a good thing except that lightning ran up from my asshole to the base of my brain every so often, especially when I yawned. I found myself yawning more and more. It was a rush. But when I did that I also trembled. It took longer and longer to regain equilibrium and be steady. I thought I might get used to it and I WAS getting out of bed in a better mood and with more energy. As the week went on I got crazier and crazier. I did not care about much beyond what was directly in front of me or came to me in a sudden vision. I got to really enjoying myself but wondering what the fornication I was doing. By Monday I was almost delerious with delight, and unable to comprehend going to work. I took the 1st day off I've taken this year and accomplished nothing. The next day I quit taking the pills but shook almost uncontrollably for two days. I grew sick with fevers and vomiting. I believe I sweat a full quart Tuesday night. I'm only just now back into whatever passes for reality for me. I'm going to have a good talk with that doctor this next week. He needs to know I like exotic mushrooms a lot better and function better on them.............

In truth, it has been a tough week. I have been mentally and physically sick and it's taken all my strength just to go to work and try and do my job. I've managed, but have been so off I scold myself for trying to impersonate a teacher. Even so, if I'm not there, whoever shows up won't do any better, so I show up and do what I can.

In spite of all of this, I seem to be making progress. I hardly have classes anymore because I have most of them out doing well in regular classrooms. They sent me one week before last that I only intended to scare a bit in order to encourage him to do well in the real world. It didn't work. He came home telling his mother what he'd learned that day and showed her things in text books he'd never bothered to bring home before. She's already been to the school and told them she wants him in my class immediately or get ready for court. Hell. I wasn't even nice to the kid........ The principal has mixed feelings. He's really happy about what's happening in my class, but I'm making his other teachers look really bad........

...I believe this is the 4th one I've taken in and "healed" so far this year. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Rectal Roberts".....

Please send money lest I be sent home. (they don't want me back in Oklahoma anyway)....

It's another grande weekend and God alone knows what I'll get into. I think I might plant rye grass all over hell and half of creation. It's turned cooler and is supposed to rain so I guess the time is right. I much enjoy bright green around the place when everything else turns brown and
yellow. You don't have to mow it much and it keeps the weeds out.

School is somewhat of a strain for me this year. Not because of the kids. They're pussy-cats compared to what I've dealt with in the past. But I've started the year with nothing because the teachers before me taught nothing, and I teach seven courses. That means I have to create every single lesson in every single subject from scratch. I've gotten some help from other teachers but not a lot. It's a daily grind to make lessons the kids can read and comprehend and try to make it somewhat interesting. It's more than I can do in a year. I knew when I started this (having done it three times before) that it takes three years to put a good program together. The first year is a son of a bitch and that's what I'm one third into now. I'm wore out. I'm very happy the holidays are coming up. I need a break.

So I'm working a lot harder than I want to but am successful beyond even my imagination. The kids do well and my reputation grows despite the fact I rarely wear my teeth. I'm tired but healthy now that I'm off the doctor's medications. I have not been fired, divorced, or cut in a knife fight in some time now. Things are looking up.

...and even if everything goes wrong, a hunerd years from now, nobody will know the damned difference........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 11/12/2004)

Another Day in Paradise: Part xxv

2004-11-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

It finally turned cool. No freeze, just not cooking. I much enjoy walking among the giant oaks and spend half my time on them and the other half looking for exotic rocks. I went for my weekly paper (Houston Chronicle.........the damned Austin paper is for pinko fags)............ The wolf was up on the hill in front of my house. Someone left half a hamburger in a bag so she drug it up there and made a hell of a mess. I did not chastise her. One needs to have good manners with a wolf....

I planted a good 60 lbs of rye grass yesterday between my place and the old folks. It wasn't enough but it's enough to do until payday. I guess we'll all laugh when it looks green here and brown everywhere else.........

The skies are gray but I don't care. I guess I'll do my usual thing and take two sacks out towards the road. One for rocks, one for trash. I really don't mind it that people throw beer bottles and cans out. I did it enough in my youth that if I pick them up another 20 years I'll be even. At
times I think that's my whole purpose in life..........just to get out even...........

Took young Randall out last night for a lesson in pool. He'd never heard of English. He marveled at what I can do with a pool ball and I liked that a lot. It's another one of those things I used to have great enthusiasm for and lost along the way. Still, it was great fun showing him things he'd
never thought of before. I even enticed a couple of good looking girls to come play with us. I believe that impressed him as well (knowing of course I had as much interest in seducing young women as I have in playing football)..............

The day went well. I bought groceries, planted grass, shovelled some dirt, and did not get whipped, fired, or divorced. I like days like that.

I guess I'll go down the hill and rake some on the grass I planted at the old folks place. It don't need it at this one, and I'm of a mind to handle a rake. In truth, I'd like to be a rake, but can't generate the interest............

Since I don't have Oscar Wilde to rely on (still haven't found it) I'll have to rely on Uncle Elmer again. We used to put up tv antennas together. One time he told me his greatest fear:

"I'm always afraid I'll fall off a dern roof. What worries me is that I'll think about it all the way down. Will I land on my head or my ass? Will I land on grass or a big rock? Should I take a deep breath or let one out? Should I holler or just be quiet? I guess it won't make any dern
difference, I'll worry myself to death before I ever hit the ground."................

I loved old Uncle Elmer a lot.............

Have a nice day y'all...........hear?.......

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

(originally dated 11/14/2004)

Happy Birthday to Me

2004-11-24T15:41:00.000-08:00

An auspicious day. I turned 52, and was born in 1952. It has to mean something....... Mostly it means people don't shoot near as well as they used to........

Had a kid brought in by the principal today. He'd given the finger in the cafeteria right in front of the principal. The boy's name is Johnson.......so I took to calling him Hunter Johnson.........he inquired why.... "Well.......you like to shoot birds don't you?"..........It took him awhile but he got it. We had a special all-class lesson in social skills in which I taught them they will rarely get into trouble if they wave with ALL of their fingers..........

..........talked to the principal about it. I told him he was old fashioned and out of date...........digital communication is the wave of the future.........

I had a good day, was not arrested or divorced, and ate a good meal. Life has been far worse.

Thank all of you who remembered my birthday and sent cards or e-mail. I especially thank the one who sent a dollar. The rest of you bastards are slackers and I aim to get even.

Have a nice day...........I did..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

letter originally sent on 11/17/2004

A Really Good Day

2004-11-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

(originally dated 11/20/2004)

I used to have a tee shirt with a disgruntled looking bull frog on it and the caption, "I'm so happy I could just shit". In this case, it's true:

Before I get started I should say that pride is a sin, and one shouldn't brag lest one develop a reputation as a bore (or boor). But I spent five years at Ryan High School and the only times I was called to the principal's office was for a good ass-eating over something or other. Mostly just being me.... So when things go well for me here I cannot contain myself, I must report it. Also, sin don't scare me much......... and if you get bored, quit reading the damned thing......

Scene One: After my conversation with the principal the other day wherein he praised me so mightily, I told him my companion and aide the retired fireman was due most of the credit, that I could not do half of what I do without his able help and guidance. The principal came to me yesterday to say, "After you left, the fireman told me........well, I do good work, but I was there two years before Castleberry got there and there wasn't shit happening"........

Scene Two: A meeting to put the new kid in my class. The diagnosticians and principals were in a quandary. The kid did not meet legal requirements to be put in my class. The mother said, " I don't give a damn about your legal requirements. I visited the school and went to his English class..........the kids were all drumming on their desks, talking,a cting out, nothing was being learned and I myself could not learn in that environment. I went to his math class and it was exactly the same. My son spent three days in Castleberry's class and came home every night with a textbook reading to me and telling me what he'd learned. He never did that before and he hasn't done it since. You put him in Castleberrys class or we're going to court. The English and Math classes are taught by the teachers I worked under last year..........

Scene Three: Another meeting. This one is for a kid from Smithville (I teach in Bastrop). The kid is doing very well. I hardly have him in my class at all now. All of his reports from regular teachers are full of praise. The Smithville principal says, "He's doing so well,there's no reason for him to continue in this program. He can come home to Smithville." The mother said, "Like hell. He's doing better in school than he's ever done and I want him to stay right where he is."

I mostly sit quiet during these meetings and only say I'm happy to have them as students and thank you all for the compliments. God bless mothers. It was all I could do to not offer sexual favors for coming out publicly with their praise............ it would probably have looked bad in the record anyway.......

So I had a very good day yesterday. I predicted I would be running the programs for the emotionally disturbed for the whole county in two years. I'm right on schedule..........

On the other hand I haven't shaved today and am wearing the same socks for the third day. I have no taste in clothes and rarely wear teeth. There is room for humility.........

When I came home yesterday I had a new driveway. You can't actually drive on it yet because it's piled up in dirt and sand and will have to be smoothed out and tamped down. It's funny how I finally got it. My Czech bro in law (twice removed or something like that) started working on my stuff for pay, but could not finish because the terrain was too brushy for his tractor. So he went to another bro in law and stayed after his ass until he got up there with his bull dozer and cleared it out. Every two days he'd show up and say, "Got dam it. Ven will you git up offf your assss and finish clearing dat land?" I would never talk to Larry that way but Czecks have little patience for people putting off work and don't mind letting you know about it. There are a lot of them around here too.......... In any case, I have a driveway in progress and am proud of it. It winds around and goes directly under a beautiful old oak tree that was practically invisible from the road.

I have little on my list for the weekend. If it ever dries out I might do a final summer mowing. The rye I've planted isn't do to come up for another few days, and it rarely needs a mow. The old folks heater coil is leaking and I'll fix that if it can be done without taking the whole dash board out. I did that once but once is enough. I might put some pretty pictures on rocks.

Terrie will be working weekends until the end of the holidays, so we have no days off together (except Thanksgiving). Hopefully the job with the school district will turn into a good thing and we'll have all our days off together. Hope springs eternal or something.........

I've been sitting on the porch with my mandolin some and serenading the coons and possums. I'm developing callus on my fingers again and might be ready if someone comes along and wants to hit a lick. I miss old days with the band and drunken nights with Garrett. I played and sang myself into several romantic interludes. To hell with making money...........

I guess I'm about as happy as I've ever been. My body is getting older and tired but as far as I can tell it's healthy. I tramp up and down these hills and enjoy the trees, the animals, even the rocks. Since I've quit taking medication my mental state is reasonably sane. What you call sane
and what I do might generate some discussion but comparitively speaking I'm able to communicate with normal humans and animals without a fight and that's good enough for me. God and I have an understanding. I do my part and he does his. In return, I do not necessarily have to get arrested, beaten up, injured, or divorced. It's a good deal.

It's raining, so I have to put on my Mexican serape and hat. I think I'll take two sacks........one for trash on the road, the other for exotic rocks, and just go enjoy living out here awhile.....

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana ---
Ass-sayist

Red Bone Hounds

2004-11-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

as near as I can tell, Sister Darlene came through. I am the proud ownerof an actual red bone hound. She said it went to sleep on her lap anddrooled plumb through her drawers so I guess that's theone..........................told her to pick the runt and the ugliestone............don't know if she did that but can't wait to see. Naming it Elmer, after my favorite uncle.......... I hope oneday kids name their dogs after me.......... Picking Elmer upover Thanksgiving in Denton. John.........load up a few in therefrigerator...........Brian.......where are you picking? and can I joinin?...........Can the dog sing too?......... IF any of the restof you would like to see my wretched self let me know and I'll give specificdates and times.............

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana --- Ass-sayist

A Hard Life

2004-11-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

It was a misty evening last night. The way the fog moved through the giant oak trees reminded me of some Chinese paintings I'd seen somewhere orother. I sat on the porch and burned some aromatic cedar while playing the mandolin. Ever once in awhile the wolf would howl, which scared all the other critters off. It didn't stop me from playing and singing though.........

I can hardly wait to get my new dog...........red bone hound....Elmer. Named him after my uncle who used to drive me back to church on Sunday mornings. I'd walk in the front door and out the back and walk to his houseto talk about cars, life, and all the sons of bitches in the world. He'd give me a cigarette if I ran out. He wouldn't even consider picking me up at the church house. I had to walk a good mile. But he was good about getting me there just in time to appear blameless..... even gave me gum so I didn't smell like smoke.......

So when I call old Elmer to the porch of an evening and he looks sad or out of sorts, I'll be extra kind and feed him whatever is at hand........

Funny. I can't think of a single son of a bitch from the church that Iliked well enough to name a dog after..........

It's not actually raining now but it looks like the sky might drop a load of water any minute. People are dying like flies around here being stupid enough to drive into floods. I went down and checked the river (Colorado)this morning and big trees are under water. I did not, however, drive into it. I grew up under a bridge on shit creek with cousin jim catching craw-dads, and know what fast moving water can do. I once threw a cigar in there (I believe I was 10 at the time) and it disappeared entirely in a matter of seconds. I miss cousin jim a lot. For a guy that stuttered and had a hard time getting a story out he made me laugh more than any other human being I've met.

I was visiting with my in laws this morning. Old George is a character.The way we got acquainted was we was both drunk and disorderly and he hit me in my left ear so hard it swoll up double and turned black. I in turn kicked out three of his teeth. In the ensuing melee me and george and christine and terrie was all on the floor flopping around like a big octopus. I remember it clearly. I had so many hands on me I could barely move, so I said, "If you all will let go of my ass I'll walk out of here peaceable"..........so they did, and the rest is history. I guess I'd give my right arm for that old man today and I believe he feels the same way about me..........

What was fun about the whole deal came the next day. I showed up at Jimand Cleta's place with that big ear and told the story and Cleta went into hysterics (laughter). She knew George Watson better than I did. Anyway; she got to calling people and before you know it there was about 20people over there admiring my ear and giving me free drinks and other intoxicants. I stayed loaded for several days on the story alone.............

I have to say. That old man could hit. If I didn't have a Kuykendall skull it would've knocked me plumb out...........

I have few plans for the day. Since it's rained so much many rocks are visible now that were underground last week. I might take a grocery sack, don my Mexican serape and hat, and go pick up a few. I might fire a coupleof rounds out of my .44 magnum to keep the riff-raff out. I might sit on the porch and burn aromatic cedar while playing the mandolin. It's a hard life, but someone has to do it........... can hardly wait to get that red bone though.....

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana --- Ass-sayist

New Adventures in Paradise

2004-11-22T18:52:00.000-08:00

I got up this morning after storms all night and didn't think much about it. I was driving down the road trying to get to the highway and was suddenly swept up in a flash flood. I hit high center on a snapping turtle about the size of a truck tire and went sideways. Fortunately, there was an empty wine bottle rolling around on the floor and I was able to whip the turtle and paddle safely back onto the road........ Ever road Icame to had flashing lights and flood signs on it so I decided to turn on the radio. It turned out that where I work is completely under water andschool was closed. Sissies.... anyway; I took another route home and made it without mishap.

Later in the day bro in law Larry come in needing help to rescue horses across the lake. He was riding a funky looking four wheeler called a Rhino.........impressive. I flung on my felt hat and Mexican serape and we lit out. A Rhino will go through three feet of water and still run........My boots were full of water before I ever got off the damned thing. Then we went to catching horses. The horses were skittish being as how they were in two feet of water and the lightning was striking ever few feet. I stood there holding a horse halter rememberingthat Uncle Ross told me to never ever stand next to a horse in a lightning storm. We commenced trying to get the horses to higher ground. Once in awhile the one I had would bolt and I'd go underwater. Let me tell you something. I am a fine swimmer. I could swim Lake Texoma dog assed drunk.........but it's hell trying to swim with a half-crazed horse attached to your arm, wearing boots, and a Mexican serape. I got some muddy. We made it in (obviously. I might try and write from the grave but not yet)........... My hat took some damage, but Ifigure it'll be good for a story somewhere down the line..... The Colorado is already three feet over floodstage.............I might not have to go to work tomorrow either.........Hope Larry ain't got any more dern horses that need rescuing though... His Sagacity Baba Havabanana --- Ass-sayist

Marion Nottingham

2004-11-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

I'm going to write one that might piss some people off; but I don't care. I'm old myself and live way out in the country. I have a wolf as a companion, and a red bone hound on the way. I'm well armed. Let 'em come.

My mother was a wonderful person. She inspired me to do things beyondwhat she'd had the opportunity to do. Through her love and guidance I became the 1st person in either side of my familiy to get a degree in college. But it wasn't easy.

I think, looking back, that she tried to live through me and therefore I had to be perfect in every respect. My mother was hunch-backed and grew up poor. There were other troubles in the family that made them stick together like glue or die. They stuck together and told everyone to kiss their ass. That's the way I was raised.

The perfection required of me was too intense. I have a packet of old pictures I have not yet looked at, left to me from my old Auntie. The reason why I haven't gone through them is the 1st one I looked at was me,about nine years old, looking very sad and forlorn.............the inscription read, "Report Card Day". I knew I was going to geta good whipping because I'd made a bad grade in something. I couldn't even look at any more pictures after that one.

I've often wondered what my mother was thinking. Did she think I was the baby Jesus?

Anyway; there was only one person in my whole life who tried to rescue me. His name is Marion Nottingham. It took a strong person to cross my mother. I remember one time I'd done something wrong on a worksheet and my mother made me write it 100 times. I sat near the sink under a good light and wrote it over and over and when I'd take it to my mother she'd say several lines weren't good enough so do it again. Mary and Marion were playing cards and his face got redder and redder ashe watched and I don't think he ever knew I saw it. He spoke kindly to my mother that she was being too hard on me and she told him to mind his own business.............but an elephant never forgets.........

I've talked to many of Marion's students over the years (bro in law Tom is one)........... they told me tales that he could write an equation that stretched plumb across a blackboard while telling the scores and odds on any basketball team in the nation. From poor old Duncan, Oklahoma he took kids to the world's fair twice that I know of because their science projects were exceptional. That shit don't happen by accident. The man isand was an exceptional teacher.

I was failing algebra. Mother paid Marion to teach me. He sat with me day after day doing shit I had no interest in whatever but taught me how todo it. I hated those days. I'm not mathematically inclined and it was sheer torture to even sit down with it. Nonetheless; when the teacher I had(a son of a bitch) wanted to fail me.................it was Marion who went to the principal and told him I should pass, and Marion's word was good enough to get me through.....

I'm not an old man yet, just 52; but I'm old enough to look back and see who made me what I am. My mother made me for the most part, but she was too harsh. Marion made me the teacher I am.

I've never told him any of these things; in fact, I've never told anyone...........it's time. Thanks, Marion..........

His Sagacity Baba Havabanana --- Ass-sayist